Jacksonville Jaguars GM Mulls Over Which Prospect They Want To Ruin With 2023 No. 1 Pick

Sources close to Jacksonville Jaguars general manager Trent Baalke have reported that the team seems tantalizingly close to finalizing which college football player’s life they will decide to irrevocably destroy in the 2023 NFL draft.

“As soon as the 2022 NFL draft ended the front office went to work browsing the reports for that star player who could fit just right within our coaching scheme of finding — and then failing to capitalize on — once-in-a-generation talent,” said an anonymous Jaguars staff member, who mentioned several Heisman trophy front-runners were already meeting in secret with the team’s deconditioning coaches.

The scouts themselves are reportedly being given considerable importance in the decision, with Baalke paying special attention to any notes describing the scouts’ innate, inexplicable wish for the players they were watching to implode in their national television debuts, as well as counting the number of times the words, “Next Johnny Manziel?” were written in the margins.

“Sure, there’s always worry you’ll get a bust — some unassuming kid with a tragic backstory who ends up turning the franchise around — but given the amount of meticulous research we’ve done, we’re confident we’ll be selecting and ultimately completely sabotaging the right fit,” the source said. “Not to brag, but if we can fuck up Trevor Lawrence, we can fuck up anybody.”