NASCAR Disbands After Nissan Leaf Makes It Through Qualifying

The organization formerly known as NASCAR disbanded Thursday following the qualifying of its first-ever Nissan Leaf. The Daytona 500 takes the top 42 qualifiers of Bluegreen Vacations Duel’s 150-lap race; the Leaf placed an impressive and unfortunate 23rd.

Racers and fans alike expressed outrage at the Leaf, which, with 99 miles to the gallon, qualified without need of a pit stop. It did, however, pause for a decaf latte at lap 115. “What kind of dumbass, piss-ass, wimp-ass shit is this?” said longtime NASCAR fan Ted Kirn. “You can’t even rev an electric motor. And who the hell’s the old lady driving that thing? She’s no Danica Patrick, I’ll tell you that.”

The “old lady” is Edi Hines, 54, a graduate of Vassar College and some-time volunteer at Seattle’s Leschi Library. Hines reports to have qualified while listening to “a great little NPR piece on the new Pfizer vaccine.” Hines drove wearing the same KN-95 she wore to the press conference, where she revealed that her strategy was “just bump and run, bump and run — and hit the low groove as quick as possible.” She drove without number or sponsorship but for a modest bumper sticker reading “Coexist.”

Hines expressed disappointment in NASCAR’s sudden disbanding, saying she was set on winning Daytona and drinking the famous jug of milk. “Oat milk,” she clarified. “Responsibly sourced.”

NASCAR shareholders are now considering a rebrand with more sustainable vehicles. There is even a push to change the name to NASDAR, or the National Association of Self-Driving Auto Racing.