Jared Goff Ranked As City Of Detroit’s Second-Biggest Villain After God

New Detroit Free Press rankings list Lion’s quarterback Jared Goff as the city’s second-biggest villain right after God Almighty, who has topped the list since the 1970s.

“The Lord has rained terror over this city since destroying the auto industry, but Goff is giving Him a run for his money every time he walks out on the field,” wrote Lions beat reporter Dave Birkett. “We knew Goff would be much worse than Stafford, but we didn’t realize he’d be this bad. He crumpled faster than a 1975 Ford Pinto in a 15-mph collision.”

Since Goff’s appearance on the scene, he has beaten the already downtrodden city with loss after humiliating loss — even failing to fulfill the wishes of several dying kids to deliver a win to the team.  Mental health experts calculate he alone has compounded the Abject Misery Index (AMI) of Motor City by a factor of ten.

“Goff didn’t create this apocalyptic hellscape or blight our neighborhoods with urban decay, crime, and hopelessness. That’s on God. And to an extent, the Japanese with their reliable Camrys and Accords,” Birkett wrote. “But Goff sure as shit isn’t helping.”

“Sure, Goff was good in college, and fine for a couple years on the Rams. But Detroit was once prosperous, too. Then God showed up and put an end to that. Now He’s public enemy no. 1. Goff has a ways to go if he plans to change that.”