Justin Verlander And Kate Upton Have Second Child Delivery Clocked At 98 MPH

Justin Verlander and Kate Upton welcomed their second child earlier this month, with the delivery reportedly clocking in at 98 MPH, the fastest recorded in the StatBirthCast era. Verlander, labored for an exhausting six innings from an old throwing injury, before stepping up and gritting it out to deliver a truly amazing performance.

Verlander’s performance was legendary. Though Upton technically did the pushing, insiders agree this was Verlander’s delivery to lose — he had everything working and was chasing what few had ever achieved: the “perfect delivery.” He was ready to add it to his Hall of Fame resume, but just as the tending physician prepared for a 98 MPH baby down the middle, a runaway anesthesia cart barreled into him, causing him to flub the catch. It may have spoiled his shot at perfection, but it still went down as a no-hitter in the delivery room box score, and overall, he looked dominant.

“Verlander’s still got it!” said 3rd base nurse Sandy Donnelly as she was stitching up the laceration between Kate Upton’s rectum and birth canal.

Sources confirm Verlander trained all offseason to mount such a performance and had always imagined a night like this, recalling childhood games of “pregnancy” with his father in the backyard. “Bottom of the ninth, Justin — two babies out!” Verlander remembered his father shouting from the patch of crabgrass by the broken birdbath. 

Insiders note his first child arrived via a filthy circle change-up, but this time the delivery room was overwhelmed with pure gas. The White Sox immediately offered the newborn a 20-year contract, and he is already considered the best prospect in the organization’s history.

Verlander was praised for his poise during the outing, while Upton was placed on the 60-day IL and is also under investigation for performance-enhancing epidurals.