Long Distance Runner Technically Also Short Distance Runner

After conducting a statistical analysis of last year’s marathon, MIT researchers have determined that long-distance runner Maryanne Grace is also, technically, a short distance runner. The mathematical proof shows unequivocally that within every long-distance race is a bunch of short races, or, in layman’s terms, if you run one race, you run more than one race.

In response to the findings, Grace commented, “This whole time I thought I was nothing but a lowly marathoner. But it turns out, I’m more than that. I’m a biathlete!” Not only is Grace a biathlete, but she is a half-marathoner, quarter-marathoner, and 0.0000000000000000000000000001-marathoner.

MIT’s research also demonstrates how Maryanne’s signature short hair is long hair compared to bald folks. “I used to rock a pixie cut for aerodynamics, but if it’s the longest hairstyle amongst runners with little to no hair, I’ve been competing at a disadv-HEY WAIT A MINUTE! Are there a bunch of regular marathons within an ultramarathon!?”

After groundbreaking findings, backed by further evidence, that large things are made up of small things, the track-and-field community has been quick to respond. In all future marathons, a pistol will sound every 10 feet—where starting blocks will be placed—and a winner will be crowned after crossing the ribbon of each of the 13833.6 10-foot sections. Long jump events will also reportedly award short jump medals.