Mascot Unsure How To Deal With All These Furry Fanfiction Scripts He’s Being Sent

Flipping through the pages of the seventh erotic script delivered to his home this month, Noah Peters, the man behind the Phillie Phanatic, was once again reminded of the insatiable lust directed toward his family-friendly alter ego by the furry community.

“There’s just so many of them,” said the 32-year-old-former gymnast of the costume-based fetish collective that had turned his kid-friendly character into an erotic literature cult hero. “And, apparently every one of them wants to put things in my giant, green nostril.”

According to Peters, more people wearing anthropomorphic animal suits are appearing at Citizens Bank Park every game, chanting the Phanatic’s name and holding up signs depicting him and other mascots performing vulgar sexual acts on one another. After deep consideration, Peters confirmed he has decided to fully embrace his newfound fame, agreeing to be on next month’s cover of Vanity Furr.