Michael Jordan Claims 100th Consecutive One-On-One Victory Against Make-A-Wish Kids

Further solidifying his status as the greatest basketball player of all time, this Saturday Bulls legend Michael Jordan set the world record for most consecutive one-on-one victories against terminally ill children during a special event hosted by the Make-A-Wish Foundation

“You call that defense, punk?” demanded the five-time MVP of one young fan who flew in from Montreal for this event. “Get that weak shit out of here!” Jordan later shouted at another young child suffering from cystic fibrosis before swatting the ball across the length of the court.

According to one of the ill children’s fathers, not only did Jordan defeat all 100 patients without stopping to offer high fives or words of encouragement, he did so without letting up a single point. “There was one six-year-old named Isiah. Jordan wouldn’t even let him play,” explained the father. “He just told him ‘that’s what you get for being a two-faced motherfucker.’”

“On behalf of the Make-A-Wish Foundation, we’d like to apologize for any trauma that Michael Jordan may have caused during this event,” announced Make-A-Wish spokesman Drew Birch. “But in our defense, anyone who has seen The Last Dance should’ve seen this coming.”

When reached for comment, Michael Jordan told reporters that if the kids wanted to win so badly, then they should have asked to play LeBron.