NFL Scriptwriters Try Using AI But Only Get 750 Pages Of Assault Allegations

As we all know, NFL scriptwriters rack their brains crafting the twists and turns of all 285 games (they take the Pro Bowl off). It’s grueling work with high turnover, and often a Week 11 AFC South matchup reveals signs of creative burnout. That’s why this year the writers’ room tried harnessing the power of AI, but were shocked when they got 750 pages of assault allegations.

“It turns out large language models are way too good at recognizing patterns,” mused NFL staff writer Todd Ferling. “We used every scrap of pigskin data possible from  legends like Lawrence Taylor, Ray Lewis, and Antonio Brown.” Ferling shook his head in wonder. “The script we got back read like a rap sheet in shoulder pads.”

Head NFL Writer Max St. John conceded AI solutions posed significant problems. “Obviously, we could never produce this script. It would be a black eye for the league,” sighed St. John. “But it’s clear fans are ready for AI-driven storylines. If they’ll buy Kurt Warner going from the grocery store to the gridiron, or the very existence of Eli Manning, we’re just a few hundred pages of violence away from a workable draft.”

“We kicked around the idea of doing things the ‘NFL way’ and just ignoring the allegations,” said Ferling. “But glossing over all that violence would make it hard for fans to follow the intricacies of the AI’s script, namely the Browns winning the Super Bowl on Rikers Island and Deshaun Watson accepting the OJ Simpson MVP Award from the league’s most lovable spokesperson, Big Ben Roethlisberger.”

Though the NFL’s first AI script is being shelved for now, Commissioner Roger Goodell wants to use it to send a message. “Our league takes assault allegations seriously, regardless of their source,” announced Goodell. “That’s why we launched an internal investigation into all 1,696 active players, resulting in the suspension of everyone except for Kirk Cousins.”