Not Even Rays Know They’re In First

A study out of Stanford University revealed Thursday that the Tampa Bay Rays community, taking a cue from baseball fans everywhere, appeared completely unaware that their franchise is currently in first place in what many consider the toughest division in baseball. 

Few were more surprised than West Florida residents, who seemed baffled and caught off guard. “We have a team?” said Sara Harmon, 51, of Zephyrhills. “And we’re in first? You sure? I don’t recall there bein’ any pro baseball teams down here.” 

“The Rays? No,” said Steve Beecher, 39, of St. Petersburg. “They’re twenty-seventh in payroll. Their best players are Blake Snell and Randy Arozarena — and they’re long gone. In fact, I’m not even sure the ‘Rays’ are a thing anymore. I think you’re thinking of the Marlins. Or the Expos.” 

None were more confused than the Rays players themselves. “I been tryin’ to catch highlights of our games,” said one pitcher, apparently the team’s ace. “I go back to the hotel room and turn on ESPN. I get nothin’. Some wood-cuttin’ competition.” The ace then logged onto his computer and called up MLB.com. “Nothin’ here either. There’s the Yankees. There’s ‘TB.’ TB’s pretty good.” Added the ace, “Hey, I have a Wikipedia page!” 

“Y’all’re tallying us? Flattered!” said the team’s white-stubbled, vacant-eyed manager, whose small-ball team is posting a .594 win percentage. “I thought y’all stopped keeping track after Covid. Jeez-louise! I didn’t know you’re still sending folks down this way.” Asked who he thought might be in first, the manager said, “Savannah Bananas? Now that’s a team.” 

But after reviewing the current standings, the manager laughed and let out a whistle. “Well, I’ll be darned we’re in first place,” he said. “But we’ll never catch the Yankees.”