On Death’s Doorstep: This Running Back Is 29

Family and friends have gathered at Texans training camp to remember Pro Bowl running back Nick Chubb as he enters his seventh season in the league at the age of 29.

Though Chubb remains “technically alive,” those close to him say they could tell the end was near when he turned 27. “Most running backs turn 27 due to natural causes,” said NFL chief medical officer Dr. Allen Sills, “It’s a medical marvel for [Chubb] to have made it to 29.”

Players and coaches from Georgia, Houston, and Cleveland described the mood as “peaceful, but somber,” with teammates sharing fond memories of his legendary cuts and bruising runs as his 2019 highlight reel played next to an urn that carried the ashes of his most recent fully guaranteed contract. Fellow running back, Derrick Henry, rumored to be 106 years old, sent flowers and a note that simply said, “R.I.P. – Run In Peace.”

Meanwhile, Chubb was seen nearby squatting 400 pounds and set a state record for a 12-mile mountain run, reportedly unaware that the old timer’s funeral was today.

He is survived by an incredibly loyal offensive line, and fantasy managers everywhere praying for reincarnation to the 49ers.

A burial is scheduled at the goal line in Week 6.