Report: Soldier Field Built On Ancient QB Burial Ground

It’s a question older than time itself: Why do Bears quarterbacks always suck? Researchers from the University of Chicago think they’ve finally found an answer. Soldier Field, in fact, was built on an ancient quarterback burial ground.

“Honestly, I’m not sure why everyone’s so surprised,” said Bears head coach Ben Johnson. “Look at the QB history here. Every one of them has met an untimely fate. You’re telling me that’s not a curse?”

Reports of supernatural quarterback events have always plagued Soldier Field. Jim McMahon’s headband would float on its own. Jay Cutler’s cigarettes would mysteriously extinguish. Fans have even claimed to see ghosts of former quarterbacks throwing footballs horribly off target.

“It’s true,” said Bears Resident Historian/Wide Receiver D.J. Moore. “When the Halas-McCaskey family first broke ground on Soldier Field in 1482, they built the stadium directly on top of Chicago’s famous Quarterback Catacombs, right above the graves of all the Chicago greats. Sid Luckman, George Blanda, Johnny Lujack, you name it. The stadium made it impossible for their souls to rest. So they placed a curse on every quarterback to come after them.”

However, not everybody’s bought into the idea that Soldier Field is cursed. “I was talking with Dick Butkus a while back, and we both agreed that this place is awesome,” remarked Bears Hall of Fame Linebacker Brian Urlacher, “I don’t know what everyone’s problem is.”