Patrick Mahomes Buys Chiefs

Shortly after signing a $500 million, 10-year extension with the Kansas City Chiefs, Chiefs superstar Patrick Mahomes decided to use the money to purchase a majority stake in his own franchise. “I believe the Chiefs will make for a great long-term investment,” said Mahomes, the first athlete in history to use his salary to purchase his own team.

As the new owner, Mahomes has already started shaking things up. He’s confirmed he will remain the starting quarterback but emphasized that every other roster spot is up for grabs. “If you hazed me as a rookie, you’re already out,” said Mahomes, crossing out names on his clipboard as he walked up and down the Chiefs practice field.

“It’s weird that he’s my boss now, but I’m sure we’ll have the same working relationship as before,” said co-captain Travis Kelce, observing that Mahomes now leaves practice early for business meetings. 

“First things first, we need to keep our quarterback happy if we want to keep winning,” Mahomes declared to his team. “That’s weird, why’s my drink empty?” asked Mahomes, glaring at Sammy “Get My Drink” Watkins.

This groundbreaking deal has already permanently affected American Sports, and the way athletes look at life (during and) after football. Mahomes went on to say, “Not only do I have $495 million left over, the best part is, it was a two-for-one. They threw in the Royals for free, no money down!” 

UPDATE: Sources close to Mahomes report he’s in early talks to move the team to another city, because in his words, “Kansas City is fine or whatever, but for 10 years?”