Pitcher Throwing Smoke But That Kid In The 12th Row Just Keeps Shoveling In That Helmet Sundae

The air in Fenway Park was filled with the brittle silence of awe and anticipation. Forty thousand souls joined as one to will history to happen and watch Pittsburgh Pirates ace Paul Skenes pitch a perfect game. Except for 8-year-old Henry Watkins, who was too busy shoveling scoop after scoop of soft-serve helmet sundae down his gullet like he was feeding a dead oak tree to a woodchipper.

 “It was mortifying,” said Barry Watkins, Henry’s father. “Here’s something we’ll never see again, and Hank’s just mashing down that goddamn ice cream. At one point he unhinged his jaw and that slop wasn’t even touching his throat. I said ‘Hank, this is history’. He took 3 more scoops. I pleaded for him to eat only when the Pirates were batting. He rammed four more scoops down like a musket.”

 “I was inspired. And nauseous.” said Pirates season ticketholder Gerry Buckiwiecz. “At first, they just flashed that kid up on the jumbotron. But the little monster just kept tunneling through like a construction crew. Finally, they just left the camera on him. I’m pretty sure most of the stadium didn’t see Skenes pitch at all.”

 Pirates usher Larry Jenkins was three rows away from Watkins. “First, that was no tiny souvenir helmet. The kid brought his own full-size helmet. And where did he get the chocolate-covered cantaloupe, PRE-SLICED?! It seemed like no matter how much he inhaled, that damn sundae never went away!”

 As Paul Skenes was carried off on the shoulders of his teammates, he tearfully reflected on what just transpired. “It was the most amazing thing I have ever been a part of in my entire life. I mean, that kid was relentless.”