Chicago Bulls Believe They’re Just One Greatest Player of All Time Away From Success

When an NBA team finishes the season in the sewer of their conference, many front offices start to look at overhauling their roster or making a big swing in free agency. In contrast, the Chicago Bulls are taking it easy, as leadership reportedly believes all the organization needs to get over the hump is, simply put, the greatest player who’s ever done it.

“We’ve got everything else it takes to reach the big dance — four other guys, plus some extras,” said Bulls owner Jerry Reinsdorf. “The ideal would be someone with a chip on their shoulder, say from being cut from their high school’s varsity team as a sophomore. And no first overall pick ego, just a solid number three who, I don’t know…studied cultural geography in a quaint town like Chapel Hill.”

Having already fired anyone else who can give input on personnel decisions, the longtime Chicago sports figure assured “every top mind” is on board with the strategy.

“Let’s be realistic, a championship may not happen right away. Heck, it could take seven seasons! But as long as that starts a historic run of titles and the team never loses in the finals, I suppose that’s acceptable,” explained Reinsdorf. “My grandson tried to tell me this all sounds a lot like the guy from ‘Space Jam,’ but that’s ridiculous–I keep telling him, Bugs Bunny isn’t real.”

After finding a six-foot-six-inch prospect at the University of North Carolina with a gambling addiction and a Hitler mustache, the team executive of 40 years believed he “finally found the first Bull worth admiring.” The joy was short-lived, however, as the White Sox owner realized the shooting guard didn’t have what it takes to take a mid-career hiatus to play Double-A baseball for the Birmingham Barons.