Revealed: Aaron Rodgers Contract To Be Paid Entirely In Attention

In a groundbreaking contract restructuring, the Steelers have agreed to Aaron Rodgers’ terms that he be paid entirely in attention. While this is an NFL first, nobody in the organization or league at large has expressed surprise.

Rodgers, 42, who initially signed a one-year, $13.7M deal with Pittsburgh in June, had quietly expressed interest in renegotiating a contract that would have coach Mike Tomlin, the team, and random denizens of Pittsburgh pay him an unprecedented amount of attention previously unawarded to any player in pro sports. 

“I don’t think the Steelers’ organization was prepared, frankly, to pay this much attention to an aging quarterback,” said NFL analyst Mina Kimes. “I can only guess that it’s a plan to save money toward next season. But [Rodgers’] terms are pretty steep. I just hope they know what they’re getting into.” 

The terms included demanding the whole team listen to him play guitar, table-read a screenplay he’s writing, watch film of him playing, and even watch film of him watching film. 

“We did a test-run with watching him watch one of John Mulaney’s stand-up specials,” said Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin. “He wanted the whole team to gather around him in the film room and watch his reaction to the set, note when he grunted sarcastically, and listen to his one-man post mortem following the screening. He then invited teammates and staff to comment on his reactions and assessment, including why Olivia Munn made ‘the biggest mistake of her life.’ We lost that week 26-7.” 

Added Tomlin, “I understand we’ll be in attention-cap-jail for years to come.” 

The Steelers have also agreed to fund a 24-hour Truman Show–like program allowing fans to watch every moment of Rodgers’ day. The near-million-dollar advertising campaign, however, has yielded only one subscriber, an “A. Rodgers” of Canonsburg, PA.