Sources: The Busts At Canton Come Alive At Night And They Won’t Stop Using Racial Slurs

Officials at the Pro Football Hall of Fame are investigating a bizarre phenomenon in which bronze busts of former NFL legends appear to come alive after hours—and IMMEDIATELY begin shouting outdated racial slurs.

The overnight activity was first reported by night janitor Jon Gruden, who has since taken on the unofficial role of “racial sensitivity coach” to the animated exhibits.

“They’re not even curious about the modern game,” Gruden said. “They just wake up and start yelling things that would get most coaches fired,” Gruden said. “Last night, George Halas called me ‘the dirtiest Slav he’d ever seen’ and questioned my testicular fortitude.”

Gruden has attempted to educate the busts on modern values, often explaining that phrases like “War of Northern Aggression” are no longer used and that Polynesian players are, in fact, not “Hawaiian Bolsheviks.”

“It’s tough,” Gruden added. “I don’t even know what group they’re targeting half the time. George Preston Marshall called me “the dandiest whistletoed plowbaby” he’d ever seen. I don’t even know if it’s a slur, but it sounds bad, and I don’t want to be one of those.”

According to Gruden, the busts become most animated during what they call “Segregation Night,” where they talk about the days when white people were, in their view, the best athletes in the world.

Gruden, who stated he feels like he is just lucky to be in the Hall of Fame in any capacity, says that his current working environment has had him rethink his legacy and his place in pro football. “Being the night janitor here and hearing all the ugly beliefs that the architects of our game held made me rethink how my career ended. Gruden then excused himself to deal with a George Preston Marshall’s bust again. who was currently reading out the text of ‘Mein Kampf’ in its original German.