Study: Talent No Match For Hard Work And Performance Enhancing Drugs

Sport scientists around the world are in a state of collective surprise following yesterday’s groundbreaking finding that athletes who compete using only their God-given talent are significantly worse at their sport than athletes who regularly work hard and take lots of performance enhancing drugs. 

“For years, we’ve believed the secret to athletic success was to be born really good at sports,” said Dr. Karl Bopus, “But we were wrong. It turns out that even the least talented of us could destroy Drew Brees in a football throwing competition so long as he or she puts in the appropriate amount of time practicing and ingesting tons of PEDs.”

Local PED manufacturers say they are thrilled with the conclusions of the study, and that they have already confirmed back orders through Q3, 2042. 

“Yes, more adult athletes are buying our products, but the real boom in sales has come from parents buying PEDs for the somewhat-talented youth athlete in their lives,” said second-generation drug dealer, Rebecca Reinholm. “And that’s great! We believe the earlier a competitor starts taking our PEDs, the larger a talent gap we can help them overcome. So, if you know an uncoordinated baby who wants to become a Hall of Famer someday, bring them down to Reinholm’s Pill Palace for a free first dose and get them started on first little road to glory!”

Dr. Bopus, who has himself started taking PEDs so he can finally beat his neighbor at racquetball, says his team plans to follow up their historic experiment by turning their attention to the age old, central question of Sports Science: Would sports be better if we gave the athletes cocaine instead of Gatorade?