The Next Zion Williamson? This 5-Star Recruit Just Received His First Bribe

A 6’6” forward with a 45-inch vertical, high school junior Jeremiah Rooks is starting to generate serious buzz as the next Zion Williamson after receiving a $50,000 bribe from a top college basketball program this past weekend.

“With those kind of hops, it’s only a matter of time until the bribes start pouring in,” said Duke men’s basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski when asked about Rooks. “Colleges, agents, sneaker labels: they’ll all be trying to corrupt this young phenom with giant piles of cash.”

To his credit, Rooks is tuning out the noise and focusing his energy on getting better.

“I know the bribes are coming. That’s why I work so hard on my game, to make sure I’m worth all that dirty money,” said Rooks while bench pressing two cartoonishly large sacks of dollar coins. “It’s about choosing the right bribes, not just for me, but for my family. I want to make sure that any scumbag I’ll be sitting with in a sketchy diner (as he hands me briefcases filled with hundred-dollar bills) is a scumbag I can trust.”

At press time, Rooks has accepted a large bribe to play basketball in the Cayman Islands, where he hopes to learn from the best how to hide illicit funds from the U.S. Government.