Thousands Unable To Afford Healthcare After NFL Sunday Ticket Auto-Renewal

In another crushing blow to Americans making over $200k annually, NFL Sunday Ticket subscriptions auto-renewed this month. The football broadcast package costs as much as a consultation with a cardiologist — a consultation many fans will be unable to afford after the surprise charge left them clutching their chests.

“Nobody should have to pay for healthcare out of pocket just because they want to watch games out of market,” said patient advocate and die-hard Colts fan Will Brasch. “We live in one of the wealthiest nations in the world, yet we don’t have free access to Scott Hanson. 

“I shouldn’t have to choose between a meaningless AFC South matchup and my son’s back brace,” Brasch added, choking up. “It’s inhumane.”

Many experts believe the United States is falling behind the rest of the world when it comes to affordable NFL packages. While countries like Norway lead the pack with universal RedZone coverage, the idea of a single-team option is still a polarizing topic stateside — even for those it would benefit most.

“Choosing between dialysis or the Monsters of the Midway every Sunday was tough. But I’m just happy to have a choice,” said Florida-area Bears fan Hoyt Busby. “With fascist ideas like NFL Sunday Ticket for All, I might not have access to high-quality streams of the games I want to see. Hand to God, I’d rather die than miss Caleb Williams scramble for his life,” he sputtered, taking his last breath.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell didn’t mince words: “Look, if you can’t afford Sunday Ticket, get MLB Extra Innings with the rest of the poors,” he laughed, spitting up bits of caviar. “What will these entitled socialists think of next? Profit sharing?”