Trevor Lawrence Prepares For Future In Jacksonville by Learning Proper Way To Vomit Jungle Juice Over A Riverwalk Railing
Clemson quarterback and No. 1 overall draft pick Trevor Lawrence is wasting no time in preparing for life in his new city, working tirelessly to learn the complicated etiquette behind Jacksonville’s proud custom of projectile-vomiting jungle juice from the city’s famous Riverwalk and into the St. Johns River below.
“There’s a complicated, fluid-spattered art to it,” Lawrence told reporters, noting he’d spent the past three months with a personal trainer just to get his tolerance up to the standard commonly referred to as “Jacksonville Buzzed.” “I didn’t understand that there were levels to partying back when I was a freshman chugging Pinnacle Vodka and crashing through beer pong tables. Once I got out here, though, it became clear: I’m in the big leagues now.”
The refined art of the jungle juice hurl, known colloquially as either “The Duval Decoration” or simply a “reverse boof,” is a time-honored tradition in Jacksonville, with historical records linking the practice back to the city’s founder, Isaiah D. Hart, who is remembered as the first American politician to die from mixing Percocet with paint thinner.
Wanting to start things off on the right foot with his fanbase, Lawrence has been meticulously studying the subtle art of Jacksonville Riverwalk vomiting, taking every moment he can between practices to hit the film room and study the greats.
“The Van Zant brothers, Fred Durst… I’ve been dissecting the techniques of pretty much every Jacksonville legend,” said Lawrence. “That Olympic swimmer Ryan Murphy has a particularly beautiful arc to his spew; I still can’t figure out how he does it.”
Although some scouts say Lawrence is still finding his rhythm, internal memos from the Jaguars camp have had nothing but praise for the 22-year-old, with some even suggesting that the quarterback is ready to take the next step toward assimilating into Jacksonville society by blasting shitty EDM off a pontoon boat.
