Trump Reminds Foreign Tennis Stars ‘U.S. Open’ Just The Name Of The Tournament

Donald Trump clarified today that the U.S. Open is exactly what it sounds like: a tennis tournament. Nothing more, nothing less.

Speaking to reporters outside the White House, Trump reminded international competitors that “America is ‘open’ for tennis — and only tennis.” He warned that once the final point is played, players can expect to be “escorted by ICE straight to the border, handcuffs and all.”

The president unveiled what he called a “historic, beautiful tariff package” aimed squarely at the game. “Your racquets will be tariffed. Your balls will be tariffed. And those little outfits? Tariffed at levels no one has ever seen before,” Trump said, before miming a serve. 

When asked about American players, Trump said they would be exempt from the new tariffs because, “America, a lot of people don’t know, invented tennis.” 

International tennis federations expressed confusion, particularly after Trump suggested that Russia had already submitted a bid to host next year’s U.S. Open in Moscow. “They offered us a tremendous deal, lots of money,” Trump explained. “The best money, maybe the greatest money anyone’s ever seen for tennis.”

For foreign migrants, the message was clear: enjoy the hard courts while they last, because once the trophy is lifted, the only thing open will be the exit gates.