Wide Receiver Not Quite Local Commercial-Ready

Speaking outside Ellicott Motors in Tonawanda, New York, dealership owner Dan Baranski lamented to reporters that despite his celebrity status, Buffalo Bills receiver Zay Jones is not yet untalented enough to reach local commercial stardom.

“Zay’s got the super nondescript personality of your typical NFL athlete, but something still isn’t clicking,” Baranski said, as Jones ruined another take by actually looking into the camera and delivering his lines with genuine confidence. “Market research shows that nothing makes people buy new Honda Civics more than a local athlete weakly smiling and rattling off forced football puns in monotone.”

“Zay just continues to read his lines with basic human emotion and a clear speaking voice,” Baranski added.

An additional on-set woe has been the wide receiver’s diva-like attitude. Jones has demanded everything from a basic three-point lighting system to the use of sound editing software to professionally master the commercial’s audio track rather than let the organic sounds of wind noise and nearby traffic add to its ambiance.

“He’s just two years into the NFL, so hopefully with enough time, we can at least get him to the level of hastily muttering lines through a five-second, tacked-on endorsement statement,” Baranski said.

According to sources, Jones was eventually let go from the Ellicott Motors gig, but he will be appearing as ‘Gangster Number 4’ in next month’s local community theater production of Guys and Dolls.