Witness In Russian Doping Scandal Dies In Mysterious Bicycle Explosion

A witness in the investigation into a Russian state-sponsored doping program exploded this morning just outside the Kremlin in a tragic bicycle fire.

The blast occurred shortly after Yuri Plotnikov, a junior assistant manager for the Russian cycling team, left a meeting with the World Anti-Doping Agency in central Moscow.  While upwards of one thousand pedestrians and drivers were in the vicinity of the explosion, unfortunately zero people witnessed the event. No other fatalities were reported, though one fellow WADA witness 25 miles away incurred grave injuries.

An investigation by Moscow officials found that a combination of “leaking brake fluid,” a “flammable tracksuit,” and a “rusty gear shifter” caused the bicycle to burst into flames shortly after Plotnikov placed his feet on the pedals.  

“Sadly, sometimes bicycles do explode,” said a senior Russian oligarch on the scene. “This is one of those situations. Case closed.”

Plotnikov’s death comes on the heels of other strange accidents in Russia involving a soccer ref who died after the whistle he was using blew up and a track star who spontaneously erupted into a fireball while running the 200m.

The International Olympic Committee has vowed to look into these mysterious deaths once their president recovers from the injuries he sustained in a recent horseback-riding explosion.