World’s Oldest BASE Jumper Dies At 23

Father Time finally caught up with 23-year old BASE jumper Dax Felger this Thursday, who was the oldest living BASE jumper in the world prior to a parachute malfunction which led to his death. “When someone who has lived such a rich, long life passes, there’s not much you can do except celebrate them,” said fellow BASE Jumper, Brett Garner, 19, who was killed in a separate BASE jumping accident later that same day.

According to sources, Felger made an uncharacteristic error while double-checking his equipment that many have attributed to his advanced age. “There’s no way Dax would have made that mistake in his prime,” said another of Felger’s peers, Kyle Kilroy, 15, “his eyesight must have really declined with age.”  

Known by many within the BASE jumping community as ‘Felger the Elder,’ the ancient thrill-seeker was admired for the wisdom he had acquired over his many years on Earth. “The raddest thing about Felger was all the stuff he knew from being alive for so long,” said 11-year old BASE Jumper Rip Rudy, speaking from his hospital bed after suffering a fractured neck during a jump last week. “He’s the only person I’ve met who was alive before cell phones. I mean, he was a baby, but still.”

The surviving friends and family of Dax Felger plan to memorialize him by attaching parachutes to his funeral casket and pushing it off the cliff where he died.