Professional Darts Player Scores World’s First Tranquilizer Endorsement

After a breakout rookie season, professional darts phenom Frank McCullough has reportedly signed the world’s first ever tranquilizer endorsement. The seven-year, $97 million endorsement deal with Bayer, in addition to his tournament winnings, has propelled McCullough into becoming the world’s highest paid athlete.

“I’m ecstatic! After a lifetime of hard throwing, I’m so thankful for Bayer pharmaceuticals.  With this prescription strength sedative money, I can finally buy my mom a house,” McCullough told reporters. The endorsement deal will feature a signature line of “Frank’s Tranqs”—darts with custom-designed barrels and McCullough’s signature bullseye logo on the flights. McCullough will also receive a lifetime supply of Bayer swag including aspirin and horse tranquilizers.

“I feel like Michael Jordan when he signed with Nike,” said Frank. Frank’s Tranqs will be available for purchase with accessories including: replaceable blowguns, hypodermic needles, and limited-edition crossbows. “I can’t believe kids are really going to be out there shooting narcotics at each other with darts that have my face on them! It’s a dream come true.”