Sorry Lovers: Fuckmonster Gritty Announces Engagement To Green M&M

Philadelphia’s most eligible Sex God, Fuckmonster Gritty, is off the market. Gritty, King of Mascots (KoM), has made public what we at Sports Riot have speculated for weeks: Gritty and The Green M&M are engaged. The series of events is still emerging, but at Sports Riot HQ, our Summer Coverage Team has been working hard to assemble the timeline of Gritty’s love life.

It is speculated that one of Gritty’s first scandals of modern times was with another unnamed famous Philly native, but the tawdry love affair was ignored by the Philadelphia press in favor of more important stories: Bryce Harper’s hair. However the story grew as the couple, had been seen holding hands, reported by TMZ, at a Fliers after party. Rumors swirled further as international reports confirmed the Green M&M’s private jet has been rerouted to Philadelphia many times to see her beloved, despite her demanding world tour.

A long time friend of Sports Riot, we reached out to Gritty to comment, “Green M&M has made my entire life complete, and the great heat of our lovemaking melts in my heart and not in my hands.” The happy couple has announced they intend to have a fall wedding inside Independence Hall, where Gritty plans to sign the Declaration of Independence and finally enter the Philadelphia Hall of Fame. A Hall of Fame so rare and so coveted it only has one current member: The Phillie Fanatic.