Aaron Rodgers Criticizes Two-Story Psychedelic Octopus For Missing Pass Protection Assignment

Following their playoff hopes being dashed by the Detroit Lions, Aaron Rodgers let loose in a post-game interview as he voiced his frustration with a two-story psychedelic octopus after it missed a pass protection assignment that led to a late-game sack.

“I don’t care if you have eight arms, if you can’t be relied on in pass protection situations then you aren’t going to get the ball, simple as that,” said Rodgers, eyes dilated under his sunglasses. “It might be hard for some of the unenlightened reporters in this room to expand your mind beyond your little sound bites, but I’ve seen the past, present and future. And what I need now is guys I can trust, because several of our rookies are still ethereal cosmic babies that have yet to open their third eye to the light of creation.”

Following the departure of Davante Adams to the Las Vegas Raiders, Rodgers was left searching for help, but the quarterback remained optimistic that he and his teammates could find a way to get on the same page.

“I know I can be hard on the kid, but me and Ocky had a good conversation after the game,” said Rodgers, staring intently at his hands. “It was only five minutes, but I experienced a cycle of birth and death as I lived the lives of a lineage of deep-sea pharaohs in the underwater Kingdom of Atlantis. I think we understand each other a lot better now.”

Help could be coming as soon as next week for the future Hall of Famer, as Rodgers said he expects receiver Randall Cobb to “hatch from his kaleidoscopic space cocoon any day now.”