Alabama Outlaws Gay Wrestling

Voting to remove the toxic influence of homosexuality from its proud sports culture, the Alabama legislature today unanimously approved a bill to outlaw all gay wrestling.

“This historic legislation is consistent with Alabamans’ long-held belief that homosexuality is incompatible with God’s plan for athletic competition, which is between two heterosexual Christian men,” Gov. Kay Ivey said in a statement.

Rep. Jackson Hillbury, the bill’s sponsor, who lost his only son to gay wrestling, told reporters he plans to attend each middle, high school, and collegiate match across the state and examine, “how these boys pin each other down.” 

While nude lesbian mud wrestling remains legal so long as it’s being filmed, the law also establishes a gay wrestling task force to examine every match statewide on a case-by-case determining the severity of homosexuality.

Citing several Old Testament passages on homosexual competition as precedent for sentencing, the bill mandates first-time offenders be sent to gay wrestling conversion therapy camp.