BREAKING: Stanley Cup Arrested In Florida For DUI

“Do you even know who I am?” slurred the 133-year-old Stanley Cup to a Broward County patrol officer after being pulled over for DUI late Friday night. According to a police report obtained by Sports Riot, the perpetrator had just stumbled out of the infamous Elbo Room, allegedly still drunk from last month’s Florida Panthers championship celebration. 

The Cup, which has resided in Florida full time since 2020, bounces back and forth between Tampa and Fort Lauderdale. However, according to ICE records, the Cup has not been in its native country since 1993. 

The Cup reportedly kept shouting as officers tried to get hockey’s symbol of excellence out of the car. 

After blowing a 0.34 on the breathalyzer, officers asked the Cup to exit the vehicle and attempt to walk a straight line. The Cup refused, “Cups don’t walk,” explaining further, “I physically have no legs. I’m a giant trophy.” 

The scene turned uglier when, according to officers, the Cup resisted arrest by refusing to be handcuffed, claiming it didn’t have the proper appendages. That’s when officers said they had no choice but to tase the Cup, to subdue and complete the arrest. 

The Stanley Cup is currently awaiting a judge’s decision on bail. First-time through fifteen-time offenders in Florida are usually granted leniency; however, this marks the Cup’s 16th DUI in as many months.

“The Cup has a long and storied history of celebrating responsibly,” said its attorney, Marty McCurry. “This was an isolated incident that in no way, shape, or form reflects the Cup’s legacy. We’re confident Lord Stanley’s Cup will hoist itself back up, learn from this, and move on with life.”