CDC Announces Fully Vaccinated Catchers No Longer Need To Wear A Facemask

In a move long awaited by players everywhere, the Center for Disease Control has now revised its guidelines for all Major League Baseball catchers, declaring that those who are vaccinated can consider themselves completely protected, and no longer need to worry about wearing their facemasks.

“Starting today, MLB catchers who have been responsible no longer need to live in fear,” stated CDC director Rochelle Walensky in a press conference in front of Truist Park on Thursday. “Those who are unvaccinated, of course, should continue to wear facemasks and maintain at least six feet of distance away from the ball at all times.”

Reacting to the news, many MLB catchers were seen posting videos to social media of them gloriously throwing their facemasks in the trash, with some going so far as to set them on fire.

“Everyone’s celebrating. This is a great day for catchers everywhere,” said Orioles starting catcher Yasmani Grandal. “I’m especially relieved because based on being in Baltimore, I was apparently in the high-risk group of contracting a pitch to the face. But that’s all in the past now.”

While many MLB players were happy to receive the vaccine, others who refused to get it are also claiming the CDC’s facemask mandate should still no longer apply to them.

“Even if getting brained with a ball is a real thing—which I highly doubt—the CDC’s own statistics say it’s like a two percent death rate, tops. And most of them are older anyways,” said vocal facemask critic and World-Series-winning former baseball player Aubrey Huff. “Meanwhile we’ve got performative-woke morons like Aaron Judge wearing a full catcher’s outfit ‘in solidarity.’ It’s pure insanity—he’s not even at risk!”

While there are players who are identifying as solidly anti-facemask, even going so far as to wear armbands on the field with pointed slogans such as “My Skull, My Choice,” most MLB players generally complied with the order but fell more in the camp of the cautious skeptic, and are just happy the whole ordeal is now over.

“I never hated wearing the facemask, it was just a bit harder to breathe,” stated Cardinals catcher Yavier Molina. “Plus, I already got beaned in the face like a year ago, so I’m pretty sure that made me immune.”