Due To Social Distancing, Hockey Fights Forced To Be Sticks Only

In an effort to ensure the safety of the players, the NHL has announced new social distancing rules that include all fights being regulated to sticks only. 

“Fighting has always been essential to hockey, the move to sticks-only fighting stays true to our traditions while guaranteeing the players safety against the coronavirus, as they beat each other senseless,” explained NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. 

The new rules will add some additional stoppage time with fights being messier and requiring additional disinfecting, but it’s the only way to be sure the skull crushing action is as safe as possible.  

Players seem to be in support of the new rules, as Ducks enforcer Nicolas Deslauriers told us, “When the gloves drop and we’re trying to knock each other unconscious on the ice, the last thing any of us want to be worrying about is being in danger of catching this scary virus. The league made the right move. I feel safe.” 

Update: The NHL is revisiting this plan after testing revealed the sticks we’re covered in passable germs, to further safety precautions players will be required to tape two sticks together (for safety) before beating each other to a pulp.