If We Let College Athletes Get Paid Now, Won’t They Just Ask For Dignity Later?

It’s been a hot topic of debate for many years: should college athletes be paid? 

As a prominent booster for the distinguished University of Vanderbilt football program, this is something I have pondered in my study many a fortnight, whilst drinking the finest brandies and snacking on the most juvenile of veal. And it’s only after my maid has washed the wine and baby cow grease from my naked body that I can say for certain that, no, no they ought not.

Hear me out. 

If we indulge this demand, what will the players ask for next? I’ve read the bone-chilling memoir “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie” and know that if we give one concession, the demands will never cease. These emboldened players will only ask for more and more.

Soon they won’t just be seeking cash, they will also want permission to make eye contact.  Water breaks and medical help. To eat at our dinner tables. To date our daughters. The right to free speech and due process. Freedom of religion. For Heaven’s sake, these ruffians will even ask for dignity. The line must be drawn somewhere! 

The slope isn’t just slippery, it’s the double black diamond ski trail near our winter homes in Aspen.

And what’s next after that? Will our racehorses ask for a salary, too? Will our BMWs want a 401k? Will our maids want lunch breaks?  Paying our beasts of burden is a dangerous precedent. They might start to think they’re people.

Please sign this petition to stop the NCAA from paying its players and thereby opening this Pandora’s Box of basic dignities.

Sincerely,

Cornelius Vanderbilt VII