NBA Plans to Punish Teams for Tanking by Moving Them to Washington and Calling Them ‘The Wizards’

The NBA’s tanking problem has cratered its product on the hardwood for years. Finally, fans’ calls to de-weaponize losing have been heard, and a game plan is in place: tanking teams will be punished by the league with a move to Washington, D.C. and an official rebrand as the “Washington Wizards.”

“We brainstormed tons of ideas—fines, losing draft picks, even mandatory Ja Morant,” said NBA commissioner Adam Silver. “But the worst thing we could think of was the utter humiliation of shipping a team of grown men to D.C. and calling them ‘Wizards.’ It’s the same thing my mentor, David Stern, did to Michael Jordan to punish him for gambling. Totally worked.”

NBA analyst Stephen A. Smith thinks it’s the right solution. “This is a classic ‘two birds one stone’ situation. We can box out tanking while finally bringing professional basketball to the Chocolate City,” said an animated Smith. “Everybody wins. Well, except for the team. They will definitely be losers.”

“We have no idea why, but our data shows that calling someone a ‘Wizard’ right before they shoot decreases their chances of scoring by over 63%,” said NBA data scientist Sejal Dua. “That’s why we save it for the worst of the worst; players like Chris Webber and Juwan Howard. We wizzed the ‘fab four’ out of existence with that one. Or Rod Strickland, who went from Jailblazer to brick-laying Wizard.”

Silver admits it was a hard but necessary decision. “Nobody wants to look in the mirror and see a Washington Wizard staring back at them. Hopefully, that threat alone is enough to end tanking. Either that,” he shuddered, “or we’ll have to create the Beltway Division for multiple Washington Wizards.”