Opinion: There’s No Crying In Baseball, But I Have Many Other Bodily Fluids To Offer

Even the most fair-weather baseball fan knows the famous ‘A League of Their Own’ adage “there’s no crying in baseball.” Fortunately, even though it’s true we’re forbidden to shed tears while we play America’s Pastime, I’m happy to let you know my body possesses many other fluids that I will graciously give to you either before, during, or after you go up to the plate.

You want sweat? Buddy, I’ve got that by the gallons. Thanks to my poor diet and Mediterranean heritage, you could wring thirty buckets’ worth out of me even if I stayed perfectly still for a week. Basically, what I’m saying is, put the deodorant away, pal: If you want sweating in baseball, my every open pore is ready for you.

Now, let’s talk phlegm. We all know it’s impolite to hawk a loogie in public, but that fat wad of brown your favorite pitcher hacks up is living, dripping proof that there’s oodles of spitting in baseball. So next time your team’s down 16 runs at the bottom of the eighth and you feel moisture begin to well up behind those eyes, I give you full permission to run up to me, tug on my sleeve, and let my tobacco-stained mucus preemptively dry those tears.

And what about urine? Well, you know what they say: One man’s felony is another man’s baseball fluid of choice. Ever since the Bambino got too drunk and let himself leak during the 1923 playoffs, whizzing has been a proud baseball tradition. No pun intended, but when it comes to urinating in baseball? We’re golden.

In short, I urge you to lean on me for your every bodily fluid need. Seriously: Hang with my bile for a while! Ask what my number two can do for you! My body is ready, and it is profusely leaking.

Please note: Unfortunately, my reproductive fluid is still on back order. To get on the waitlist, DM my OnlyFans account. Bitcoin only.


Writer: John

Editor: Laura