Opinion: You People Are All Worthless – By: Larry Bird

First let me begin with: Happy Father’s Day. Thank you for voting me as “Father of the Jump Shot” and putting on this vast event where I can address all of you. This goes for everyone but especially the new dads, old dads, and in modern times even “lady-dads” out there: you people are all worthless.

I’m usually a man of few words, but today, I’ve been asked to post-up and speak my mind. During my basketball career I traveled all over the country, I’ve looked into the stands and saw people of all races and creeds come together, united under a single color—Celtics green. Today we live in divisive times, but there’s one thing this new crop of people have in common: you are a soft, wimp, limp, trash.

There’s really only two men walking this earth that I respect: Magic Johnson, my greatest rival, and Ron Artest, for beating the sh*t out of all those fans. If I have one regret about my career, it’s that I didn’t march into the stands and teach more of you slapdicks a lesson with my fists. If life was a pickup basketball game, I’d choose each and every one of you last.

Anyway, as I mentioned – Happy Father’s Day. You are insignificant. Go to hell. Go Celtics.