Ranking All 32 Quarterbacks In The Cleveland Brown’s Locker Room

Experts said it shouldn’t be done, but words have never once swayed the Browns organization. After realizing they’d only been playing with one signal caller this entire time, they went all in at the position, turning their draft into a quarterback smorgasbord. Some critics are skeptical of Cleveland’s plan to start every gunslinger on their roster, but their staff remains confident — even as we ranked their QBs in a 32-way tie for last in the league.

“Look, it’s simple,” said the Browns head coach, who spoke to us on condition of anonymity. “More QBs equal more TDs.” He paused, his eyes quickly scanning the darkness of our secret parking garage meetup. “Analytics show the more backups we have,” he whispered, “the better chance QB1 sexual assaults won’t overshadow our third-place AFC North finish.”

There’s seemingly no bottom to Cleveland’s depth. Kenny Pickett’s gloves are grippier than ever, Joe Flacco has that team-building “green text bubble energy,” and Deshaun Watson just bought a self-massager. Any analysts concerned over the Browns’ defensive roster spots are forgetting one thing: they have Deion Sanders’ cell number. Sources report that Coach Prime owes them a huge favor due to Shedeur’s shaky performance as equipment manager.