Tom Brady Hospitalized After Accidentally Ingesting 3 Milligrams Of High Fructose Corn Syrup
In a close call that could have been absolutely catastrophic, Tampa Bay quarterback Tom Brady was rushed to the Tampa General Hospital emergency room on Thursday after appearing to have accidentally ingested nearly 3 mg of high fructose corn syrup, which sources claim is more than 1,000 times more potent than what the athlete’s body is equipped t0 handle.
“Much like his throwing style, Tom’s diet regimen is based on precision,” warned Brady’s trainer and cofounder of the TB12 Method, Alex Guerrero. “Any small miscalibration of the essential macronutrients—or, God forbid, introduction of foreign hygroscopic agents like sugars into his system—is enough to cause the whole fragile, finely-tuned machine to come toppling down. So needless to say, when Tom walked past that plugged-in soda fountain and forgot to hold his breath, it was a recipe for disaster.”
Some commentators have already begun to point to Brady’s injury as yet another indication that today’s modern NFL players aren’t as resilient, with ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith bringing up the fact that in the seventies, Joe Namath would be out every night freebasing Mountain Dew until 5am and still be healthy come practice time. However, most of the League have thrown their unequivocal support behind Brady as his health has continued to rapidly deteriorate.
“We’ve got him on a TB12 Multivitamin IV drip, an intensive TB12 plant protein shake regimen, and 44 glasses of water a day, but we’re fearing it won’t be enough,” said Guerrero, shaking his head. “I’m scared that with something as toxic as HFCS, surgery might be our only option. I honestly haven’t seen him this bad since that time he accidentally touched a tomato.”
The entire NFL is anxiously awaiting word from the quarterback’s personal Nutritionist-slash-Bioceramic-Sleepwear-Technician, who remained cautiously optimistic, but did warn Brady’s friends and family that an HFCS ingestion as high as this one could cause the quarterback both severe and permanent health problems such as gaining upwards of 140 pounds, instant heart failure, or premature retirement at 44 years old.
