Washington Football Team Excited About New Era Of More Modern Racism

Speaking to reporters on Monday, Washington Football Team owner Dan Snyder said that, despite several recent controversies, his franchise remains on pace to join the NFL’s new era of more palatable, 21st century racism.⠀

“We’ve learned from our mistakes and are working tirelessly to learn the more subtle racial injustices and microaggressions that characterize these modern times we’re living in,” said the 55-year-old team owner. “Everyone, from the front office elite to the security guards who check your bag as you enter the stadium, will receive training on the most recent and progressive forms of systemic oppression available.”⠀

Snyder has already implemented several programs to help the team’s management unlearn its outdated, 20th century-style racism, including mandatory racial insensitivity classes, a modern racism lecture series featuring guest speaker Rachel Dolezal, and even a field trip to a Starbucks for a demonstration on how to convince police you feel threatened by the mere presence of a black person in the store. ⠀

“I’m hopeful that with this new program, our organization’s long racist history will never need to be discussed again,” said Snyder. “Then we can all simply pretend it never happened, just as our forefathers did before us.” ⠀