We Acknowledge That Russia Is Set To Invade Ukraine, But Can We Talk For A Second About Fucking Andrew Wiggins Starting In The All-Star Game?
Things are looking grim on the Eurasian front, as more Russian troops are steadily assembling along the Ukrainian border. While Vladimir Putin claims his forces are deployed purely as a counterattack measure, preliminary reports from U.S. intelligence officials seem certain that—hang on, what the unholy shit—Andrew goddamn Wiggins? Are you serious?
There have been many moments throughout history where war seemed all but inevitable, only for cooler heads to prevail. And we can only hope that Secretary of State Antony Blinken is capable of navigating the perilously narrow channel between I’m sorry—I can’t do this. Andrew Wiggins is a starter in the All-Star Game, and I just… Are we reading the same sentence, there? Do you people understand how insane this is? Hey, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky—for the good of humanity, get Joe Biden on the phone and ask him to patch you through to Adam Silver.
Oh, but Wiggins has improved a lot since last year? Well, Russia recently agreed to continue construction on the Nord Stream 2 gas pipeline into Germany. Minor progress doesn’t just suddenly erase years of deliberate obstruction and escalation—or in Wiggins’ case, mediocrity. That’s not how international or basketball affairs work, and you know it.
Look, forget nuclear war for a second. Let’s talk about known knowns. Like, yes, there’s a serious, nonzero chance Russia sparks a global conflict between multiple nuclear powers, triggering a scorched-earth campaign that leads to the end of civilization as we know it. But there is a ONE-HUNDRED percent chance that Andrew fucking Wiggins, a goofy Canadian with the 74th-best Player Efficiency Rating in the league, will be starting ahead of Luka Doncic and Draymond Green. What in the name of K-Pop stan bullshit fuckery is going on? Has the world gone insane? Does anything even matter anymore?
If the NBA doesn’t fix All-Star voting by 2023, I hope to God this next World War annihilates us all.
