The relationship between the NBA and China has remained tense ever since Houston Rockets GM Daryl Morey tweeted out his support for the Hong Kong protestors. A lot has gone on in the world since then, but Sports Riot hasn’t forgotten. Since the Chinese government doesn’t believe in free speech, here are 10 ways the league can use it to piss them off. 

1. Start a rumor that Yao Ming is actually from Japan
2. Suggest Charles Barkley is fatter and balder than Buddha
3. Remind them that Lebron is American
4. Start a franchise in Hong Kong named “The Capitalists”
5. Dub Phil Jackson “History’s Greatest Zen Master”
6. Tweet at President Xi that “even an injured John Wall plays better defense than the Great Wall”
7. Claim NBA dynasties are superior to Chinese dynasties
8. Give Jeremy Lin an NBA contract so he doesn’t need to play in China anymore
9. Rename Kung Pao chicken ‘Boom Shakalaka’ chicken 
10. Remind them that North Korea got Dennis Rodman while they had to settle for Stephon Marbury

Remember, China—there’s no ‘I’ in freedom but there are several in “Sports Riot recognizes the sovereignty of Taiwan.”

According to numerous witnesses present at the local Starbuck’s yesterday, WWE executive and XFL founder Vince McMahon, a patron during the morning rush, suddenly shouted “extreme basketball” before hurriedly looking for a pen and paper.

“After he tore his shirt off, he shoved me into the espresso machine in a mad rush to find receipt paper,” said barista Sarah O’Malley, adding that McMahon gave up his search when he instead found a stack of coffee filters and a sharpie.

“He wrote on those filters for ten hours straight like a man possessed. I glimpsed over once in a while and saw drawings of stick figure Vitruvian men, a basketball court with zig-zag three-point lines, and something that looked like LeBron James dunking on The Undertaker in a ladder match-basketball combo.”

While O’Malley left the man alone to work and dropped off espresso shots every half hour as requested, other customers were unnerved by the hulking, shirtless, 74-year-old entertainment mogul crumpling up coffee filter after coffee filter shooting them into the garbage while muttering things like “this changes everything.”

When McMahon refused to leave at closing, police arrived and were forced to physically drag him away while he shouted “XBA! XBA!”

In sports, we talk a lot about “overrated,” such as: overrated teams, overrated stats, or Tony Romo. But that begs the ultimate question, what about the most underrated and under appreciated facet of sports: forfeiting at halftime?

Now I know a lot of you are reading this thinking, “Forfeiting, that sounds a lot like quitting,” but nothing could be farther from the truth. Forfeiting is not quitting. Forfeiting is the ability to recognize your limitations and having the courage to gracefully concede. It is truly the honorable course of action.

Think of it like chess, competitive players do not play to checkmate. They resign when it becomes obvious the checkmate is coming. That is all this is, million-dollar athletes resigning to the fact that if the game were completed, the only possible path is defeat. 

This would save fans and players from having to endure awful blowouts—spare us all from having to watch bench players act as if they belong in the game. Even if it’s a close game, do you really want to sit around for an entire extra half just to lose on a last second play? All athletes would agree that is worse than being blown out.    

Let’s all save some time, and move onto our next activity.

Figuring out the top NBA players of all time currently on the Memphis Grizzlies roster is a difficult task for most any sports publication – but not us. Here’s how Sports Riot ranks the greatest Grizzlies to ever play basketball in Memphis (during the 2019-2020 season):

#1 Gorgui Dieng – Even though he’s only been living and working in Tennessee for 12 games now, there is no doubt to anyone on Beale Street that Gorg (as fans lovingly know him) is, historically, the best player currently on the team. The resume: he’s been in the league for 6 whole years, was second team All-Rookie in 2013, and – most importantly – he’s somehow the highest paid player on the team, which automatically puts him on top of this list.

#2 Dillon Brooks – The only Grizzlies players with any current national recognition, Brooks leads the league in most Personal Fouls with a staggering 246 – something he’s managed to pull off in only 65 games! With a per game foul rate that makes him the envy of every other jerk in the league, it’s hard not to see why Brooks’ ranks second on the all-time current Memphis Grizzlies.

#3 (TIE) Miles Plumlee, Dion Waiters, Dwight Howard, Avery Bradley, and Jordan Bell – The Parsons 5, as they like to be called, cemented their spot on this list the second they got the team to pay them a combined $31,259,661 for the season despite not actually being on the team (or even living in Memphis). Plus, when you add up all their accomplishments together, they might actually be the most impressive on-paper Grizzly ever, and not just 3rd place on this year’s list.

#4 Yuta Watanabe – First of all, he’s got the best name in the history of the current team (no offense to you, Kyle Anderson). Second, he changed his number from 12 to 18 – a boring-number-for-boring-number trade so rare, it was considered groundbreaking. Third, he’s hates the Jazz for always spelling his name wrong, so fans can count on him to go off for at least 5 points every time he’s in Salt Lake City. If you ask us, those are some impressive all-time right now credentials.

#5 Grayson Allen – Who doesn’t love Grayson Allen!

Maybe Next Year Award: Ja Morant – Look, from what we understand, Ja lives pretty close to the stadium, has a good credit score, and once saw Jack White at a local Dixie Queen. That’s a pretty impressive resume, but an all-time current Memphis Grizzly it does not make. Come back and talk to us once the kid’s actually lost something.

Following a disastrous season in which ratings and revenues hit historic lows, the NCAA has announced plans to recoup its losses by updating next year’s college basketball to include a weekly showdown between perennial powerhouses UNC and Duke.

“Audiences and vendors deserve the kind of stability that only 35 UNC-Duke games per season can provide,” said NCAA President Mark Emmert. “This also provides the possibility that these two schools can develop an intense rivalry.”

In addition to increased viewership and ad buys, the NCAA expects their announcement will also help drive up interest in up-and-coming star Coach K, the UNC-Duke game’s most promising asset.

“We believe that by showing enough UNC-Duke games to enough people, we can turn Mike Krzyzewski into the next Emily Ratajkowski,” Emmert said, adding that all 64 seeds in the March Madness tournament will be either UNC and/or Duke.

As for March Madness, the NCAA said the event will definitely happen again in 2021, but that all 64 seeds in next year’s tournament will either be UNC and/or Duke.

Arguably the greatest basketball player of all time, Michael Jordan enjoyed an illustrious career filled with countless highlights and accomplishments, including a stint in professional baseball, but which moments standout the most? Sports Riot breaks down the top five legendary moments of Michael Jordan’s spectacular career as voted by Washington Wizards fans.  

5. Becoming First Ever Player/Owner

After unretiring to join the Wizards, a team he was part owner of, Jordan became the first owner/player of the modern era. While he had to officially give up his ownership in the team, Jordan still considered himself the owner, and for all intents and purposes, so did everyone else within the organization.

4. Winning the 2001 Draft Lottery

Many of the NBA’s all-time greatest players have won championships, gold medals, MVPs, Finals MVPs, All-Star Game MVPs, and Dunk Contests, but Michael Jordan is the only one to accomplish all of that and win the NBA draft lottery—a feat no one else in the conversation has even come close to reaching.      

3. Drafting Kwame Brown #1 Overall

This one goes hand-in-hand with number four. Despite anyone’s opinion about Brown’s career, Jordan made the first selection in an NBA draft, and that’s pretty dang cool.

2. Playing HORSE With George W. Bush

In a showdown for the ages, Bush took Jordan all the way to H-O-R-S before Jordan’s unmatched competitiveness and clutch ability took over. After the game, Jordan would say of Bush, “He is probably the greatest competitor I have ever matched up against.”

1. Selling out every Wizards home game for two straight seasons

Prior to Jordan joining the team, staff members at the MCI Center were unaware that it was possible to sell every single ticket to a game. They had never done it before and haven’t done it since. When Jordan was there for two incredible seasons, every seat in the house was filled, a feat that no one outside of Jordan has been able to accomplish in the entire history of basketball.

*Honorable Mention

His entire career with the Chicago Bulls, including six NBA championships, but since it didn’t happen while Jordan was a part of the Wizards, it just missed this list.

Among an array of stunning revelations from the episodes of “The Last Dance,” the story of how Michael Jordan worked behind the scenes to keep seven-year-old LeBron James off the 1992 Dream Team stands out as particularly petty.  

“Michael was determined to keep me and little LeBron off the team,” said Pistons Hall of Famer Isiah Thomas during the smash hit ESPN documentary. “Me for refusing to shake his hand and LeBron because he wanted to show the cocky second grader that he was still the king.”

Despite James only having picked up a basketball for the first time months earlier, Jordan wasn’t taking any chances with the kid from Akron.

“That’s just how Jordan was—a killer,” said fellow Dream Team member, Magic Johnson. “It didn’t matter whether you were a 10-time All-Star or a young child learning how to dribble; he wanted to rip your heart out and throw it on the floor.”

When reached for comment, LeBron cited the experience as his motivation for keeping five-year-old Willis Greaves of Peoria, Illinois off of the 2016 Olympic basketball team.

The highest honors for the world’s top basketball players, the NBA Awards, are determined by a panel of sportswriters and broadcasters, but when it comes to determining Defensive Player of the Year, NBA Awards voters admit they just kind of guess who should win.

“I usually pick the tallest player, but sometimes I pick the shortest player,” said one voter, adding that they abandoned their previous voting process of hanging pictures on the wall, throwing a dart at them, and then picking the player based on whose face the dart hits.

Another voter leaves it all up to chance. “I flip a coin. I like to let the universe decide such an important decision for me,” the voter said, a departure from the more mystical approach, such as asking a Magic 8-Ball.

With so many deserving candidates, voting often requires a more remedial system, such as eeny meeny miny moe.

But for one long-tenured voter, an outside-the-box strategy is the only way to vote, “It should go to the best offensive player. Because the best defense is a good offense.”

Utah Jazz Hall of Famers John Stockton and Karl Malone were seen hanging out at Vivint Smart Home Arena yesterday, reportedly reminiscing about the many successful years they spent losing important basketball games together.

The pair were spotted in the bleachers laughing about the fact that Malone’s ‘89 season, during which he averaged an eye-popping 31 points and 11 rebounds, was the very same in which their team suffered a humiliating first-round playoff exit at the hands of a pre-Barkley Suns team.

Pausing periodically to stare off into the distance and sigh, the pair traded memories ranging from the night Stockton dropped 28 assists during the wasted ’91 season, to the two times Michael Jordan and the Bulls crushed their lifelong hopes and dreams by defeating them in the NBA Finals.

Stockton and Malone, who combined to make 24 meaningless All Star games, ended their trip down memory lane with a hug, promising to get together again soon as they still need to catch each other up on the pathetic losers their children have become.