Quotes
“Hands down, the biggest nipples I’ve ever twisted.”
–Trey Lance, on Chris Berman at the 2020 NCAA Championship Game afterparty
November 19, 2023
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“You fool, you simpleton, you absolute imbecile, you’ve fallen into my devious web of lies once again!”
–Aaron Rodgers, audibling into a draw play for 2 yards
November 19, 2023
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“I learned I’m left handed–and deeply Korean.”
–Aaron Rodgers, on his time in the darkness retreat
November 19, 2023
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“The fuck you pigs gonna do? Arrest an old lady?”
–Virginia McCaskey, Bears owner, firing up a joint inside of a Walgreens
November 19, 2023
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“Gardening, catching up on reading, but mostly my functioning internal organs.”
–Andrew Luck, on what he’s enjoying about life after football
November 19, 2023
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“I probably go through six or seven dogs a month.”
–Dan Snyder, on the challenges of training pets
November 18, 2023
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“No matter what I do, my past always catches up with me.”
–Rob Gronkowski, on daylight savings time
November 18, 2023
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“Her pathos-ridden portrayal added a much-needed counterpoint to the broader socio-political critique of our perverse adulation of brilliance giving rise to complicit tolerance of abusive behavior.”
–Rob Gronkowski, on Cate Blanchett’s performance in ‘Tar’
November 18, 2023
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“No, that was definitely the sound of a human femur snapping. I’d recognize that noise anywhere.”
–Matt Ryan, selflessly helping out the Colts’ trainer
November 18, 2023
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“We went from no one to everyone one special teams. That’s progress.”
–Roger Goodell, on who will be held accountable for rape charges
November 18, 2023
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“New fuckboi ain’t got the BDE, but it don’t matter when he goin’ down on me.”
–Virginia McCaskey, Chicago Bears owner, on her new 79-year-old sidepiece
November 18, 2023
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“There’s a volcano in my butthole and everyone’s invited!”
–Andy Reid, introducing himself on a speed date
November 18, 2023
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