BASEBALL
“Buying a horse is not the loophole you’d think it is.”
–Tony La Russa, on his five horse-DUIs
“I’ve never knowlingly taken steroids, performance enhancers, or played baseball.”
–Barry Bonds
“If we’re still ringless when we’re forty, let’s just get traded.”
–Mike Trout and Shohei Ohtani, making a pact
Second Baseman Wondering If He’ll Ever Get Promoted to First Baseman
When Cincinnati Reds second baseman Nick Gonzales gazes at first baseman Spencer Horwitz, he doesn’t see a double-play anchor. Nor does he see an effective leadoff hitter. When Gonzales looks
Stephen Miller Physically Restrained By Staff As Venezuelan Little League Team Takes Field
Trump adviser Stephen Miller had to be physically restrained by aides Saturday after catching a glimpse of Venezuela’s Little League World Series team taking the field. Witnesses say Miller began
Baseball World Stunned As Orioles Throw Very First No-Pitcher
Looking to stop the most recent skid in what has already been a challenging season, the Orioles have begun running a series of devious gambits. So far these have included
MLB Trade Deadline Passes With Liberation Of Only Three Rockies
The July 31st MLB trade deadline came and went. And with it, the great hope of family and friends turned to deep sorrow as only three Rockies were freed from
Vlad Guerrero Jr. Furious To Learn He’s Being Paid In Stupid Canada Money
On April 17 of this year, power hitting Vlad Guerrero Jr. signed a record-setting 14-year, $500 million contract extension with the Toronto Blue Jays, including a reported signing bonus of
BREAKING: Turns Out Baseball Was Invented In Tibet; America Invades
A new study out of Vanderbilt, claiming that Tibet invented baseball, shocked the White House and left the U.S. with no other option but to invade. United States military fired
Justin Verlander And Kate Upton Have Second Child Delivery Clocked At 98 MPH
Justin Verlander and Kate Upton welcomed their second child earlier this month, with the delivery reportedly clocking in at 98 MPH, the fastest recorded in the StatBirthCast era. Verlander, labored
Pitcher Beginning To Wonder If This Mound Visit Could Have Been An Email
Washington Nationals starter Brian Bluugo was cruising through the fourth last night. Suddenly, he noticed pitching coach Jim Hickey jog out of the dugout with Brent Miller from Brand Marketing.
