BASKETBALL

“You mean if I keep shoving reporters, I’ll never have to play basketball again?”
–Joel Embiid, on his 3-game suspension

“Kamala Harris has lost the election – I wanted you to be the first to know.”
–LeBron James, wearing glasses

“It’s all just a part of the game.”
–Caitlin Clark, currently getting her arms chainsawed off by an opposing player

Bracketologists Warn U.S. Bracket Supply May Be Depleted By 2035
The nation’s top bracketologists are sounding the alarm that the national bracket supply will be completely gone in less than a decade. These brave scientists have warned the public for

Adam Silver Accidentally Wins Jumbotron’s Voldemort Look-Alike Contest
In a case of a harmless look-alike contest gone wrong, Adam Silver was shown on the jumbotron next to a picture of Lord Voldemort while perched in the rafters observing

Caitlin Clark Rookie of the Year Trophy Chucked At Her Head
Shortly before being knocked unconscious, Caitlin Clark was awarded and then thrown the prestigious WNBA Rookie of the Year award, on Wednesday. “It’s an honor,” Clark said while still visibly

WNBA Commissioner On Violence In League: ‘I Will Hunt Down And Kill Caitlin Clark Personally’
At a press conference Thursday, WNBA commissioner Cathy Engelbert addressed the recent surge in violence surrounding popular Indiana Fever guard Caitlin Clark. Clark’s been at the center of poked eyes,

Injury Report: Not-Caitlin-Clark Out For Season
BREAKING: Sports Riot has just been informed by the @wnba ‘s league fax machine (their only outbound communication device) that Not-Caitlin-Clark is out for the season. “Our hearts are broken

23AndMe Traces 67% Of World’s Lineage To Single Source
Scientists at the genetic testing site 23andME made a groundbreaking announcement this week, claiming to have found that a whopping 67% of the world’s population are direct descendants of a

The Other Side Of The Story: Our Exclusive Interview With Ja Morant’s Gun
Ja Morant has been embroiled in non-stop controversy since entering the League. Culminating in suspensions after brandishing a gun, multiple times, on Instagram Live. Sports Riot managed to track down

Opinion: You People Are All Worthless – By: Larry Bird
First let me begin with: Happy Father’s Day. Thank you for voting me as “Father of the Jump Shot” and putting on this vast event where I can address all





