Articles

Watson Hoped Slap On Wrist Would Be Slap On Penis
Sources close to suspended Cleveland Browns’ quarterback Deshaun Watson say that the player hoped his recent punishment for assaulting dozens of masseuses would be less a slap on the wrist

US Government Enlists Nick Saban To Scream At Economy Until We Reach Proper Performance
The U.S. Department of Commerce announced on Monday its plans to enlist University of Alabama head football coach Nick Saban to scream the economy back to pre-COVID performance levels. “The

NFL Blooper Reel Features 3 Never-Before-Seen Deaths
Player deaths are highly sought after highlights that are typically reserved for team owner’s private collections, but an NFL+ subscription will get you never before seen access to the wildest

Detroit Man Puts In Bio For Used 2002 Ford Field
After finding a remarkable discount for it on Zillow.com, local Detroit resident Terrence Remarque mentioned to reporters on Thursday that he has officially put in his $225,000 bid in a

High School Football Star Already Skipping Classes At A Collegiate Level
Star Harry S. Truman High School quarterback Trent Meers has been stirring buzz about huge future potential as an NFL superstar, thanks to his unprecedented ability to skip classes at

Travel Sites Agree: Buffalo Bills Better From The Canadian Side
A study of six separate travel review sites has found that, in almost all categories, the Buffalo Bills are exponentially better when viewed from the Canadian side of the stadium.

Helmet Spoils Perfectly Good Decapitation
The rules on protective headgear for athletes have finally been put on display for the nation to see. Is this what we want? Decapitated football players WITH their helmets on?

Hear Us Out: If You Start ‘Dark Side Of The Moon’ When Cris Collinsworth Slides In, It Lines Up Perfectly With Sunday Night Football, Man
Sit down, pack a bowl, and get ready to have your third eye opened, dude. If you start up Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon at the exact moment

Sporting Venues Permanently Add Moment Of Silence To Commemorate Future Mass Shooting Victims
In the wake of several mass shootings that have shaken the nation’s morale and sparked debate over how to appropriately memorialize the deceased at sporting events, a growing number of

Report: Corn-Infused Shit Lying In Bowl Of Your Toilet Frontrunner For Lions QB Job
It looks like there’s already a quarterback controversy brewing in the Motor City. According to reporting from ESPN’s Adam Schefter, the corn-infused shit that’s lying in the bowl of your

Report: Rising Gas Prices Force NFL Owners To Jet Pool
With gas prices soaring across the country, the NFL’s billionaire team owners have reportedly turned to jetpooling to battle the rising cost of private jet travel. “Can you believe these

Opinion: Tom Brady Can Come Back From Retirement, So Can My Lazy, 82-Year-Old Father
Tom Brady — Excellence. Dedication. Sacrifice. My 82-year old dad? Lazy. Bottom-percentile measurables. Retired since 2007. Tom Brady was only retired for a month, so I think the fifteen years

4 Key Takeaways From A Wild Night Out With The Guy In The Murray State Mascot Costume
We at Sports Riot like to think we’re a worldly bunch, but nothing could have prepared us for last week’s interview with Dunker the Murray State mascot. Here’s what we
