Articles

Titans Ownership Saving Up For Cyber Monday Jumbotron Deal
Titans ownerships gathered last week to announce their plan to get a new jumbotron during Cyber Monday, or a really good sale, noting that the organization is now on the

Boston Officials Report Dangerously Low Inventory Of Ticker Tape
Boston Mayor Marty Walsh has declared a state of emergency in immediate response to reports of a dangerously low inventory of ticker tape. Without the preferred amount of ticker tape,

NFL Season Headed For Disaster After All Teams Go 8-8-1
The NFL regular season came to a stunning conclusion today as all 32 franchises finished with exactly eight wins and eight losses, including identical head-to-head, divisional, and conference records. “There

Two Bengals Season Tickets Open Up After Andy Dalton’s Parents Finally Accept Their Son For Who He Is
It’s a parent’s worst nightmare: your child has a serious problem, and despite all your efforts to lend them quarterback assistance, they cannot overcome it. Unfortunately for the parents of

Jay Gruden Proud To Announce He’s Already Halfway Through Season Six Of ‘Gilmore Girls’
Jay Gruden, who was recently fired from his job as head coach of the Washington Redskins, told reporters this Tuesday that, rather than wallowing in self-pity, he has spent the

Daniel Snyder Knows He’s Not The Problem. But, Do You?
Our owner, Daniel Marc Snyder, wishes to issue the following statement on His behalf: “Mr. Snyder fully understands that He is not now – nor has He ever been –

Cowboys Cheerleaders Unveil Cheer Asking For Health Insurance
Suppressing their pain as they gyrated in front of AT&T Stadium’s sold-out crowd, the Dallas Cowboys’ Cheerleaders debuted a new cheer this Sunday that featured them pleading with the organization

Kicker and Punter Feel Strange Pressure To Be Friends
Speaking to reporters before the game on Thursday, Cincinnati Bengals placekicker Randy Bullock and punter Kevin Huber confirmed that apparently based on their positions alone, there has always been this

Cynical Ref Deems Field Goal ‘Good, But Not Great’
After ruling on the field that a kick from Green Bay’s Mason Crosby was good, veteran NFL referee Dan Hruska stopped play Sunday to make an additional clarification that while

Wide Receiver Not Quite Local Commercial-Ready
Speaking outside Ellicott Motors in Tonawanda, New York, dealership owner Dan Baranski lamented to reporters that despite his celebrity status, Buffalo Bills receiver Zay Jones is not yet untalented enough

Eli Manning Proudly Informs Reporters That He’s On Chapter Four Of “Football For Dummies”
Eli Manning proudly informed reporters during a press conference Friday morning that he has officially reached chapter four of “Football for Dummies.” “It feels amazing to have finally found a

NFL Owner Lays Awake At Night Wondering If Players Like Him For His Personality Or His Money
Tossing and turning throughout the night as he tried to push the thought from his head, Carolina Panthers owner, David Tepper, told reporters he can’t shake the feeling that his

Peyton Manning Traded To Geico Commercials
Nationwide Mutual Insurance shocked the marketing world this Wednesday by agreeing to a blockbuster deal to send Peyton Manning to Geico in exchange for two cavemen and the hump-day camel.
