Articles
What Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Got Wrong About Kidnapping Dan Marino
How many could we list? A lowly local pet detective would have access to Dan Marino like that? These kidnappers were found by a guy with that hair? The kidnappers’
TCU Rules ‘Man-To-Man’ Defense An Affront To God
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed
Fuck It: Lions Punt on First Down
After winning the opening coin toss and electing to receive the ball the Lions immediately went into punt formation and returned the ball to the opposition, a play they repeated
Man Explaining Onside Kicks Must Be Crushing First Date
Romantic prospect analysts are reporting that local bachelor Jeffrey Dodson is absolutely crushing his first date with a woman through his detailed explanation of onside kicks and effective strategies. According
Game Changer: Wide Receiver Has Secret Football Hidden In His Socks
The game of football was forever changed Sunday when Falcons wide receiver Clark Thompson used a secret football he had hidden in his socks to score the game-winning touchdown. The
Gronkowski Promises To Donate Brain To Science At End Of Season
Saying that he aspires to make his colleagues’ lives better through tight end research after his eventual retirement, Tampa Bay Buccaneers tight end Rob Gronkowski today announced his intention to
United States Chosen As NFL Bubble Country
Although impressed by the NBA’s “cute” Bubble in Orlando, the NFL has announced that it has chosen somewhere a little bigger and slightly more populous for its own isolation zone,
Stop Reading Books: Football Is Back
Congrats on reading your first book since you gave up on the Harry Potter series halfway through in 5th grade, but it’s time to stop reading and put those dumb
Roger Goodell Apologizes For Taking So Long To Realize How Profitable Supporting Player Protests Is For NFL
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell in a video call today issued a statement of apology for not realizing the handsome financial benefits of supporting the players in their fight against racial
Man’s Fantasy Football Draft Signals The Gathering Of The Seasonal Friends
With the annual fantasy football draft quickly approaching, local enthusiast Paul Casper’s friend has begun preparations for three or so months of authentic seasonal friendship. “I love these dudes. We
Get Ready To Scream And Eat: Football Is Back
FOOTBALL IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!! When you open your bag of chips, if you don’t rip the bag open by grabbing one end of the bag with your teeth and other with
Beer Cooler Preferred Weapon Of Tailgate Fights Everywhere
Have you ever been hammered at a tailgate and needed a weapon to defend yourself from getting body slammed through a table? Are you yelling at a few men, women,
Baseball Cancelled Now That Football Is Back
In light of football’s triumphant return to the American sports scene after a harrowing year, league officials have decided to indefinitely cancel the baseball season since it will no longer
