Articles

Jaguars Fan Being Awfully Smug For Someone Whose Van Was Just Repossessed
Local Jaguars fan Randy C. was in unusually high spirits Tuesday afternoon despite arriving at an Arby’s on a bicycle, shirtless, shoeless, and visibly missing a van that had been

Bears Fan Who Bet On Team’s Success Warned Not To Blow It All On One Artery
With the Chicago Bears currently leading the NFC North, no one could have predicted their rapid ascension; No one, that is, except for Bears superfan Bob Dabrowski, who stands to

Browns’ Stadium Introduces Two-Drink Minimum
In a move stadium officials are calling “long overdue,” the Browns announced Thursday that all fans entering Huntington Bank Field will now be subject to a mandatory 2-drink minimum, explaining

Belichick Vows Deep Introspection On Season’s Failures Between Rounds Of Old Man Sex With Girlfriend
North Carolina Head Coach Bill Belichick has not been sitting easy with an unexpectedly dismal 4-8 season record. In classic Belichick fashion, he promised to review the film, meet with

Caitlin Clark Named Indianapolis Colts Starting Quarterback
The Indianapolis Colts have made a bold choice. They’ve decided to bench signal caller Philip Rivers in favor of Indiana Fever guard Caitlin Clark. “She just wanted it more,” said

Dad Deftly Reroutes Family Therapy Into Eagles Trivia Night
Sitting in a warmly lit therapist’s office surrounded by his family, Philadelphia-area father John “Jawn” Shaffer utilized his grasp on the talking stick and accompanying sole power to speak by

Study Finds That 86 Percent Of Third Downs Are ‘Big Third Downs,’ Up 12 Percent From Last Year
A study released by the Pew Research Center on Monday suggests that “big third downs” are at an all-time high 86 percent this season, following a relatively stable 2024 in

Penn State Calls 2025 Season The Most Disgusting Thing To Ever Take Place On Team’s Facilities
After a dismal 6-6 season, the Penn State Athletics Department released a statement to fans and the media addressing the unprecedentedly reprehensible start for the organization. “We here at Penn

Dak Prescott Predicts NFC Championship Run, NFL Reviewing Film For Severe Hit To Head
The blue tent is coming out early this year for Cowboys gunslinger Dak Prescott. After announcing to reporters that America’s Team is “primed for a deep playoff run,” the QB

Aaron Rodgers Demanding To Know Why He’s Not Being Considered For NFL Coach Of The Year
As NFL award battles begin to heat up, the season’s top contenders are all but set. Unless one were to ask Aaron Rodgers, who is yet again furiously insisting he

Sports Riot Update: Our Keyboard Physically Won’t Let Us Type “Fwirst Placet Bearbs”
At Sports Riot, we try to cover the NFL season as closely as possible. However, we’ve run into a bit of a problem: despite them currently leading the NFC North,

Dan Campbell Reminded By Staff He Doesn’t Need To Mercy-Kill Injured Players
Detroit’s artificial turf is quickly becoming a killing field as the Lions’ staff struggles to convince Dan Campbell, a head coach famous for making gutsy calls, that he doesn’t need

Cam Skattebo’s Father Revealed To Be Crash Test Dummy
Ever since Cam Skattebo cannonballed into the NFL with few words and many headbutts, millions of football fans have found unity in one question — “What’s this guy’s deal?” Now,
