Tag Archive for: Football

NFL Films Makes Another Documentary About Football

Monday afternoon NFL Films announced their newest documentary and this time it’s all about football. 

Get ready for all the hard hitting football action you love coupled with world class cinematography. This film is a sure-bet to feature tackles, touchdowns, and of course all the drama we love narrated to us by a man with a deep, powerful, baritone voice. Movie night just got a lot better because this week we’re watching old NFL games, strap in kids because this isn’t the soft-ass football you’ve come to know! 

“This installation of NFL Films will be an action packed adventure taking fans inside the game from the point of view of the coaches, players, and people that know football best, for the 657th time,” NFL Films rep Don Cahill said. He went on to say, “Have we truly captured the essence of the NFL on film? Until we do, here’s another movie about it.”

The essence of the NFL is so beautiful that it presents a unique challenge when trying to capture it on film; so us fans can be grateful that they’ll keep turning out these films for years to come. We can’t wait for all that gridiron action we love in this iteration which is sure to be unlike anything you’ve ever seen before, unless you have already seen any NFL Films production.

Eli Manning Signed By Whoever Has To Play The Patriots In The Super Bowl

In what many around the league are calling a “biased” and “unpatriotic” move, the National Football League announced today that they will allow Eli Manning to sign with whatever team faces the Patriots in this year’s Super Bowl.

“How can they do this? It’s so unfair,” said Patriots head coach, Bill Belichick, of the NFL allowing the 38-year-old backup quarterback to sign a contract with the eventual NFC Champions. “It doesn’t even make sense; I have a plan for everything except this.”

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was even more outraged by what he sees as a direct attempt to prevent him from winning his seventh Super Bowl ring. “I feel bad for the League, if I were the NFL I’d do the same thing too,” said the timeless superstar who has appeared in an NFL record nine Super Bowls. “If you’re like me and you’ve already beaten the concept of organized sports–you live for stuff like this.”

When reached for comment, Eli Manning said he likes football and will “throw ball good” to any new friends who want to play with him.

Titans Ownership Saving Up For Cyber Monday Jumbotron Deal

Titans ownerships gathered last week to announce their plan to get a new jumbotron during Cyber Monday, or a really good sale, noting that the organization is now on the lookout for coupons and promo codes. “It would be a shame to get a new big screen and then find one for 20% off or so the next day,” said Titans owner Thomas S. Smith, who went on to ask his team if Magnavox was a good brand. 

“Our lawyers, financiers and coaching staff are sitting at the ready to make a deal on a really good jumbotron,” said Smith, saying that they are poised to buy a big TV on Cyber Monday, just in time for their Monday Night Football appearance. “For now, fans will just have to use their imagination,” said a financial analyst for the team, noting that 4K isn’t that expensive anymore if you know when to buy. 

While other teams like the Patriots and Cowboys spend over 5% of their budget on training, scouting, and coaching, the Titans are now reportedly setting aside 100% of profits into getting a jumbotron. “Our team is laser focused on our goal of getting this deal done and taking the franchise to the next level. Mark my words, by the end of the season, the Tennessee Titans will have a jumbotron,” said quarterback Will Levis. 

While ownership remains positive, they admitted that previous deals have fallen through before, including the time they didn’t realize they had to pay extra for shipping.

Boston Officials Report Dangerously Low Inventory Of Ticker Tape

Boston Mayor Marty Walsh has declared a state of emergency in immediate response to reports of a dangerously low inventory of ticker tape.

Without the preferred amount of ticker tape, the City of Boston can currently only have one, maybe two championship parades, sending hundreds of thousands of citizens into panic.

“Our city will not stand by and allow this to continue,” said City Police Commissioner Brian Leary, noting that Bostonians have come out in droves to help the impending catastrophe by raiding local stores to make homemade ticker tape.

 “Anything to help,” said local bartender Tim O’ Sullivan. “People are suffering out here.”

“If this city isn’t able to throw a parade for all of our teams at any moment, even after a parade has already happened, then our city may never recover,” Mayor Walsh said to a passionate crowd. “Let’s come together and do our part to save this city and ask for forgiveness from Tom Brady this Sunday.”

NFL Season Headed For Disaster After All Teams Go 8-8-1

The NFL regular season came to a stunning conclusion today as all 32 franchises finished with exactly eight wins and eight losses, including identical head-to-head, divisional, and conference records.

“There is no tie-breaking procedure in place for this scenario,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “We’re exploring a variety of options such as a singing competition, a hopscotch tournament or even simply differentiating teams based on their color scheme.”

Despite initial optimism that the league would reorder the standings based on strength of schedule, net points, or points allowed, league officials quickly discovered that every team tied in every relevant category.

“Then we flipped a coin,” Goodell said. “However, no matter how many times we tried, the coin continued to land on its side every time.”

While Goodell shot down the popular idea of determining the playoffs based on alphabetical order, the NFL’s greatest minds have come together to formulate an alternative solution.

“The only fair and impartial solution is for all 32 teams to face off in a single battle royale-style football game, with playoff seeding being dependent on the results,” said LA Rams head coach, Sean McVay. “Maybe the last team standing could win the Super Bowl?”

UPDATE: After the free-for-all showdown concluded in a 32-way tie, the NFL has decided to award the Lombardi Trophy to the New England Patriots.

Two Bengals Season Tickets Open Up After Andy Dalton’s Parents Finally Accept Their Son For Who He Is

It’s a parent’s worst nightmare: your child has a serious problem, and despite all your efforts to lend them quarterback assistance, they cannot overcome it. Unfortunately for the parents of Andy Dalton, this nightmare has become reality, leading them to announce this week they will sell their Bengals season tickets. 

“We love our son, and we accept him for the mid-level-quarterback-that’ll-never-win-a-playoff-game that he is, but at a certain point, we’re enabling. We cannot stand by and watch him do this to himself, thus we have placed our season tickets on StubHub,” Greg and Tina Dalton said in a press release this week. 

“We invited his family and friends to explain to Andy how his actions affected us. We didn’t know how else to get him to admit he has a problem,” Greg Dalton said, adding that he knew his son hit rock bottom when he discovered Dalton working out with Kirk Cousins.

“We all have our demons, but we knew by the company he was keeping that he obviously wasn’t ready to make a change on his own,” Greg Dalton said. “That’s when we decided to cut him off until he gets better. They’re great seats by the way.”  

“This is his cross to bear, and I just want my baby to get better. I’d also like to have something good to say when Galynn Brady brags about her son Tom at book club,” Tina Dalton said.

The Daltons’ tickets are reportedly pretty sweet, located in the team’s family box and feature free parking, food, and drinks. They are available now on StubHub at 30% below face value.

Jay Gruden Proud To Announce He’s Already Halfway Through Season Six Of ‘Gilmore Girls’

Jay Gruden, who was recently fired from his job as head coach of the Washington Redskins, told reporters this Tuesday that, rather than wallowing in self-pity, he has spent the time binge-watching the popular 2000’s TV dramedy, “Gilmore Girls.”

“Getting fired was a real blow, but just like Rory’s [in the show] about to return to Yale after being devastated by Mitchum, I’m not going to let one bad experience get me down,” said a bleary-eyed Gruden while brushing Cheez-It crumbs off his soiled windbreaker. “Yep, I’m happy to say that embracing the saga of Rory and Lorelai’s relationship is the first win I’ve had in a long time.”

According to his brother, Jon, whose couch Gruden has used during the marathon, Gruden’s intuitive coaching skills have finally been put to good use with the beloved WB network staple. “Jay’s demonstrated tremendous playcall ability. Even before finishing the first season, he predicted Lorelai would call off her wedding to Max because she was secretly still in love with Christopher.” Gruden agreed, stating that, “While nothing went right for me in Washington, at least the town of Stars Hollow will always have my back.”

Not content with simply finishing one show, Gruden told reporters he’s already moving on to CW’s five-season hit, “Jane The Virgin.” He’ll have to hurry, however, as the Redskins have informed Gruden that they plan to stop paying for his Netflix account by the end of the month. 

Daniel Snyder Knows He’s Not The Problem. But, Do You?

Our owner, Daniel Marc Snyder, wishes to issue the following statement on His behalf:

“Mr. Snyder fully understands that He is not now – nor has He ever been – the problem with the Washington Redskins organization. He also wants you, the everyday sports fan, to understand this and to accept Him into your hearts as the productive NFL Owner He knows He is.

For those who doubt His commitment to winning, the following lies propagated by the media (whom you should never trust) have been corrected below. Accept them as fact:

  1. Mr. Snyder’s DOES fundamentally understand NFL Free Agency. He should not be blamed for signing the lazy traitor Albert Haynesworth to a 7-year, $100 million deal in 2009.
  2. Mr. Snyder DOES appreciate the fans. He simply wishes you would try harder. The current rate at which fans are buying merchandise is insufficient for victory. Therefore, isn’t this really the fans’ fault?
  3. Mr. Snyder DOES believe in developing head coaches. He simply fires talent often so that he can give more people the chance to run a real professional football team.
  4. Mr. Snyder AGREES that organizational culture is “actually damn good.” Problematic relationships with former players and coaches have been blown out of proportion. Mr. Snyder DOES NOT wish ill upon former coworkers like RG3, Kirk Cousins, and Sean McVay. He simply wishes for them to never speak to anyone about anything.
  5. Mr. Snyder CHOOSES to lose sometimes. He considers this an integral part of the team’s 20-year plan.

As is plainly evident, Mr. Snyder is not the problem with our organization. Compliments of his leadership, however, is quite welcome!

Thanks Mr. Snyder, you are our everlasting and greatest leader. 

Sincerely,

The Washington Snyders

Cowboys Cheerleaders Unveil Cheer Asking For Health Insurance

Suppressing their pain as they gyrated in front of AT&T Stadium’s sold-out crowd, the Dallas Cowboys’ Cheerleaders debuted a new cheer this Sunday that featured them pleading with the organization for health insurance. “Dental! Dental! We want dental!” the women shouted, while shaking their pom-poms and flashing crooked, jacked-up smiles to the cameras. 

“Gimme an ‘H!’ Gimme an ‘M!’ Gimme an ‘O!’” they chanted toward the ownership suite, as confused, yet empathetic fans looked down in horror at the squad’s tired eyes, curved spines, and one woman’s clearly infected nub of an arm.

When asked about the cheers, Cowboy’s owner Jerry Jones told reporters, “I am always happy to listen to employee concerns, but unfortunately our cheerleaders are independent contractors,” adding that between free concession stand food, on-field access, and complimentary breast implants, “these women are overpaid as it is.”

At half-time, the crowd reportedly watched in horror as a sickly, pregnant blonde plunged 20-feet from atop the human pyramid – a metaphor for neonatal care – snapping her neck on the ground. The woman was then dragged past state-of-the-art medical equipment reserved for players, and administered a single, forceful wake-up slap. Although she has lost all sensation from the neck down, sources have confirmed that her immaculate, Cowboys-backed tits remain perfectly intact.

Kicker and Punter Feel Strange Pressure To Be Friends

Speaking to reporters before the game on Thursday, Cincinnati Bengals placekicker Randy Bullock and punter Kevin Huber confirmed that apparently based on their positions alone, there has always been this weird pressure from their peers for them to be friends.

“Just because we both have kind of similar positions, that doesn’t mean we have, like, anything else in common,” Bullock said, refuting calls for him to cultivate a deep and meaningful friendship yielding places in each other’s weddings and likely lasting the remainder of their lives. “After practice, coach always says, ‘Hey, Kevin here likes kicking things; you like kicking things. If you two want to grab a beer at that bar around the corner and maybe talk about kicking things, don’t let me stand in your way!’ It’s really annoying.”

Huber agreed that the intense peer pressure to befriend his teammate weighs on him, especially during away games where coach Zac Taylor has arranged for the two to be roommates.

“Just because we both touch the ball with our feet, doesn’t mean he’s the first person I want to text when something really good or really bad happens to me.” 

The two players say their mutual frustration over the team’s awkwardness has actually made them grow closer during the past few weeks, making it all the more tragic when Bullock is traded toward the end of the season.

Cynical Ref Deems Field Goal ‘Good, But Not Great’

After ruling on the field that a kick from Green Bay’s Mason Crosby was good, veteran NFL referee Dan Hruska stopped play Sunday to make an additional clarification that while the kick was technically good, it was hardly impressive.

“The ruling on the field is three points, but I mean, if we’re honest, it should probably be like, two points at best,” said Hruska, who had altered his standard parallel arm-raise “good kick” signal to include a large shrug and an accompanying audible sigh. “I mean, it was about a foot and a half away from splitting the uprights, and I could see it wobble a little. Definitely a far, far cry from the solid, end-over-end boomer you’d hope to see from professional football. But yeah, it still counts, I guess.” 

Hruska went on to court controversy later in the game when a hot mic caught him muttering under his breath about the unimpressive nature of the final score, which he described as “predictably underwhelming.”

Wide Receiver Not Quite Local Commercial-Ready

Speaking outside Ellicott Motors in Tonawanda, New York, dealership owner Dan Baranski lamented to reporters that despite his celebrity status, Buffalo Bills receiver Zay Jones is not yet untalented enough to reach local commercial stardom.

“Zay’s got the super nondescript personality of your typical NFL athlete, but something still isn’t clicking,” Baranski said, as Jones ruined another take by actually looking into the camera and delivering his lines with genuine confidence. “Market research shows that nothing makes people buy new Honda Civics more than a local athlete weakly smiling and rattling off forced football puns in monotone.”

“Zay just continues to read his lines with basic human emotion and a clear speaking voice,” Baranski added.

An additional on-set woe has been the wide receiver’s diva-like attitude. Jones has demanded everything from a basic three-point lighting system to the use of sound editing software to professionally master the commercial’s audio track rather than let the organic sounds of wind noise and nearby traffic add to its ambiance.

“He’s just two years into the NFL, so hopefully with enough time, we can at least get him to the level of hastily muttering lines through a five-second, tacked-on endorsement statement,” Baranski said.

According to sources, Jones was eventually let go from the Ellicott Motors gig, but he will be appearing as ‘Gangster Number 4’ in next month’s local community theater production of Guys and Dolls.

Eli Manning Proudly Informs Reporters That He’s On Chapter Four Of “Football For Dummies”

Eli Manning proudly informed reporters during a press conference Friday morning that he has officially reached chapter four of “Football for Dummies.” 

“It feels amazing to have finally found a book that takes the confusing parts of football and puts it into words that are simple enough for me to understand,” said Eli, adding that, “I’m finally starting to grasp what a quarterback is supposed to do.”

The 16-year veteran went on to explain how he is now aware that field goals are worth three points, that “blitzing” means something other than reindeer, and that the big scary guys lined up in front of him were there to protect him, not hurt him. “I always found it confusing when players in weird shirts would catch my passes and run in the opposite direction,” Eli told the assembled reporters. “I wouldn’t have thrown half those passes if I knew those players were on the other team.” 

While acknowledging that he’s struggled with some of the bigger words like “encroachment,” and “infraction,” Eli maintained throughout the press conference that the instructional book is, “the best and longest part of a book he’s ever read.” According to Eli, he gifted a copy of the book to his brother, Peyton, but the elder Manning is still busy making his way through, “Commercial Acting for Dummies.”

NFL Owner Lays Awake At Night Wondering If Players Like Him For His Personality Or His Money

Tossing and turning throughout the night as he tried to push the thought from his head, Carolina Panthers owner, David Tepper, told reporters he can’t shake the feeling that his players only like him because he’s worth $11 billion dollars.

“Sure, I sign their checks. But is that enough to make somebody like you? Do we have to have things in common, too?” wondered Tepper while speaking to members of the media outside of the Panthers’ practice facility. “If I weren’t paying them millions of dollars, would they even answer my calls?” Tepper then turned to the group of reporters and asked, “You guys are my friends, right?”

According to Tepper, he has made inroads with certain high-paid Panthers since purchasing the franchise, however, he still feels emotionally distant from the majority of the roster. “Cam Newton did invite me to Cabo when he was our quarterback, but part of me feels like he just wanted to use my private jet,” said Tepper before adding, “Come to think of it, I paid for the entire trip.”

The way Tepper sees it, a small gesture from the team would go a long way. “It wouldn’t hurt to be invited into the huddle for once,” said the insecure hedge fund manager before adding, “For Christ’s sake, no one has even tried to create an elaborate handshake with me.” Before departing from the reporters, Tepper did admit that he takes comfort in the fact that, if this group of friends doesn’t work out, he can always draft more next year.

Peyton Manning Traded To Geico Commercials

Nationwide Mutual Insurance shocked the marketing world this Wednesday by agreeing to a blockbuster deal to send Peyton Manning to Geico in exchange for two cavemen and the hump-day camel. Nationwide originally signed Manning after his long tenure as a spokesman for Papa John’s pizza came to an end. 

Since signing with Nationwide, Peyton’s performance has been inconsistent at best, scoring big with his classic “Chicken Parm You Taste So Good,” commercial, but floundering with his “Kinky Boots Are On My Feet,” campaign. Having prepared second string spokesman Brad Paisley to eventually take over the starting role, Nationwide General Manager, Stephen Rasmussen, decided it was time for the company to move on from Manning.

“Brad may not have Peyton’s resume, but once he learns the system, we believe he’ll help us compete for decades to come. Someday, he may even lead us to the title of ‘Top Insurance Provider in the Country,’” said Rasmussen. 
By contrast, Geico continues to stockpile assets from vulnerable insurance leaders, leading analysts to believe they are in ‘win-now’ mode. Members of both companies expressed surprise at how quickly the two sides were able to come to an agreement on a deal. “Apparently, it only takes 15 minutes or less to land a transformative marketing legend like Peyton Manning,” said Geico General Manager, Bill Roberts.

Buffalo Bills Owner Plans To Relocate Team To 1964

In a radical move Buffalo Bills owner, Terrence Pegula, plans to relocate the team to the year 1964. Pegula announced the news at a press conference Thursday to a noticeably confused audience. 

Pegula began the press conference by saying, “After employing the top most scientific minds to crunch the numbers and analyze the stats we’ve discovered how to reboot the team back to 1964, however we’re still at a total loss for how to win a Super Bowl.” Realizing some skepticism had filled the room he went on to say, “Look, I know this may sound crazy but going back in time is our only chance to win the big game.”

Rick Morrissey of the Chicago Sun-Times asked, “How exactly do you plan to achieve time travel?”  Pegula replied, “Time travel is the easy part, we have that figured out already. It’s going to the playoffs and winning a championship that is the hard part.” 

As reporters continued to press him on the issue, Pegula insisted, “It is both more cost-effective and practical that the entire organization travel back in time than hire a good coaching staff and fill the team with players that can represent the AFC.” 

The 2019 Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Are They the ‘2016 Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ of the NFL?

After four games in the books, the 2019 Tampa Bay Buccaneers beg the question: are they the 2016 Tampa Bay Buccaneers of the NFL? Even though they play in a completely different era, quarterback Jameis Winston looks a lot like 2016 Buccaneers quarterback Jameis Winston who led his team to a less than impressive 9-7 season.

NFL analyst Mike Golic agrees, “Last Sunday when team captain Jameis Winston connected with Mike Evans, I couldn’t help but think this squad has all the makings of a 2016 Bucs team. They have all the right pieces from Mike Evans to the city of Tampa, and if they play their cards right, they may just barely miss the playoffs and disappoint an entire city.”

Some people think they look more like the 2015 Buccaneers from the mid-2010s era because of their similar schedule that also includes 6 games against NFC South teams, but that is ludicrous. “I don’t think it’s fair to compare us to that team. I see some similarities, but we’ve got a lot of season ahead of us. We very well could turn out like any Bucs team from the last twenty years except for 2002.”

Aaron Rodgers Forgets Mason Crosby In Car With Windows Rolled Up

Aaron Rodgers was arrested in Green Bay this past Sunday after forgetting Packers kicker Mason Crosby in the car with the windows rolled up. Police discovered Crosby after responding to multiple reports of an unattended young male in the backseat of a locked Honda Pilot in the Lambeau Field parking lot during a regular season home game.

Police learned that the trapped individual was Crosby after breaking a window and reading the name on the back of his jersey. According to GBPD officials, the victim—who was watching Shrek on his iPad when he was rescued—appeared to be unharmed.

A lawyer for Rogers told reporters his client made a regrettable but understandable mistake while attempting to juggle the many responsibilities he had shared with McCarthy before the pair’s split. “My client is overwhelmed and committed a minor oversight,” said attorney Keith Brehm.

Nonetheless, Green Bay Police Chief Jim Sandoval pointed out that leaving a person locked in a car is never a small mistake. “By the time we rescued Crosby, the temperature within the vehicle had already skyrocketed to 65 degrees. People die in that kind of heat around here,” said a Green Bay officer.

LA Charger Charged With Battery After Battering Charger Girl With Car Battery

The District Attorney for Los Angeles County confirmed last Thursday that LA Charger, Ben Quirke was charged with battery after a Charger Girl alleged he battered her with a car battery.

Charger Girl’s cheer captain Charlotte “Char” Gerse claims the Charger’s cornerback battered her with a car battery that she had charged to Quirke’s credit card after Quirke had gone out to get a charger to charge his cell battery.

“It’s true that Quirke did not approve the charge, but he had no right to charge at me with the battery and batter me,” Gerse said. “So I’m pressing charges.” Though Quirke denies the charge, a Charger’s coach witnessed the incident and corroborated the Charger Girl’s claims.

At a press conference, the District Attorney for Los Angeles County disclosed that Quirke has charged former Los Angeles County Deputy District Attorney, Marcia Clark, to represent him.

Quirke ended the press conference by asserting that “Charger Girls who charge batteries that result in battering chargers for a Charger may not charge the Chargers charging batteries nor any other battery charge Chargers may be charging for chargers can charge forward without Chargers battering charges.”

Winner of Army Vs. Navy Game Really Depends on Whether Surface Land or Water

As is true whenever these two military powerhouses face off, this year’s Army-Navy game will once again come down to whether the surface they play on is land or water. That’s why Vegas betting expert Paulie Valvassori took to Twitter today to urge his followers not to bet on the game until the field of battle is set.

“Very few players on Army have the experience with aquatic combat required to successfully complete the campaign at hand,” Valvassori wrote, adding that their tanks would be completely useless in such an environment against Navy’s battleships. “Navy, on the other hand, has looked fantastic when fighting in the open ocean this season, but downright terrible on turf, even with an elite SEAL Team. Consider this a dart throw until we have more information.”

While school officials negotiate where the match will be set, members of both teams conducted covert operations across enemy lines in an effort to gain the upper hand. After Navy was whistled for offsides and forced to retreat 15 yards into international waters, Army responded by shooting down one of Navy’s Texas Instruments drones.

Regardless of where the game is held, Valvassori maintains that the Air Force is always a threat to simply swoop down and secure victory from extraction point Alpha-Bravo-Echo-Delta. 

Masked Singer Producers Ignore Hundreds Of Calls From Antonio Brown

Sources close to the producers of the hit show, “The Masked Singer,” have told Sports Riot they have been ignoring hundreds of phone calls from former NFL wide receiver Antonio Brown, who believes he’d be good for the show again. 

Brown, who was released by the Patriots in September, has reportedly called the studio upwards of 200 times, leaving behind an angry voicemail with each call. 

According to sources, the producers of The Masked Singer are concerned with Brown’s character issues, which they believe make him a poor fit for the family-friendly television series.  Additionally, the producers believe that Brown’s demands that he be given his own trailer, green room, and not be required to wear a mask, are simply untenable. 

The Masked Singer also declined that his request for a “dollar for dollar amount that the Patriots and Raiders ‘owe’ him.” In Brown’s final voicemail, he informed the studio that he “doesn’t need them,” now that he knows that American Idol allows anybody to audition.

Eli Manning Somehow Throws Interception At Dave & Buster’s Football Toss Machine

Sources inside of local arcade franchise Dave & Buster’s reported seeing New York Giants’ star backup quarterback Eli Manning leaving in a huff after somehow managing to throw an interception while playing the bar’s football-toss machine.

“He was in trouble right from the start. He fumbled his first ball into that little green-tarped holding pit thingy, even though he had like, no pressure,” said one witness, Courtney Lahey, who noted that local residents would often see Manning training hard on the machine during the offseason. “After that, he just got more flustered. Once he threw the pick, it just totally obliterated whatever small thread of confidence he had left.”

Other witnesses further confirmed the quarterback’s woes, noting that Manning kept calling audibles and yelling “watch the blitz” despite the machine not being able to change, or indeed having, any form of defense. 

Oddly, despite Manning’s performance, many supporters, including several high-ranking members of the Dave & Buster board, kept offering to pay for his Power Card refill.

Manning’s whereabouts are still unknown, despite leaving the machine mid-turn. However, the six-year-old child wearing a Jets’ jersey who had intercepted the ball could be seen running it all the way back to the corner of the arcade and doing a celebratory pick-six dance on the DDR machine.

Madden Introduces Special Move For Aaron Rodgers Where You Can Get Your Coach Fired

EA developers have unveiled Coach Mode, an exciting update to the Madden franchise this year where you, as Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers, can strategically steer yourself, your teammates, and fanbase away from the head coach until ownership shows him the door.

While playing as Aaron Rodgers in the highly personalized gameplay mode, you control the dialogue. Whether sewing discord by refusing to run CPU plays, calling audibles at unsuspecting times, and selecting the best passive-aggressive responses in the post-game interview, the coach’s fate is at your fingertips.

EA has also generated over 100 dynamic angry coach animations for each bullheaded decision you make that slowly tears your coach’s professional life apart, communicated via a new Blood Pressure Tracker icon on the home screen. EA calls this the Coach Defiance Rating, and after hitting 90%, you unlock the ability to blackmail the coach, which effectively sends his personal life spiraling out of control, yielding you all the control needed to propel your team to sweet Super Bowl victory.

Once the coach capitulates or is fired, you win a disastrous three-season relationship with Olivia Munn and the opportunity to unravel up to ten more coaching careers along the way to cement your legacy as the ultimate career killer.

Rams’ Home Opener Delayed After Goff Gets Lost In Tunnel Again

Sunday’s game between the Los Angeles Rams and New Orleans Saints was delayed as team officials searched for missing Rams quarterback, Jared Goff, who disappeared on his way out of the tunnel.

“It’s my fault. I’m normally pretty good about making sure Jared knows where he needs to go and what he needs to do,” said head coach Sean McVay while speaking to reporters in the postgame press conference, adding, “I tried letting him handle things on his own today. That was a mistake.”

After McVay was hired in 2017, it didn’t take long for Goff to show improvement in his ability to arrive at the field before kickoff. McVay’s presence was so impactful that Goff would go on to miss just one game during the 2018 season, when he showed up 45 minutes late to a matchup with the Seahawks because he couldn’t remember where he parked his car.

“It’s not that he’s stupid,” said Mcvay of the former first-round draft pick who once admitted during an episode of HBO’s Hardknocks that he didn’t know which direction the sun rises and sets. “He just needs someone in his ear to say ‘Hey number sixteen, once you exit the locker room, just keep walking straight. Don’t go through any doors, don’t get scared by the noise coming from outside. You can do this.” 

While McVay’s methods have paid dividends, some in the media have questioned whether Goff will always be one brain fart away from showing up at California Memorial Stadium, home of his alma mater, the California Golden Bears, on game days.

“Don’t write him off,” said McVay, as he stood up from the table and prepared to leave. “You may not see it, but Jared has the potential to become the kind of player who can go an entire 16-game season without receiving a DNP for forgetting the team plays on Sunday. He just needs time to develop.”

At press time, Goff was nowhere to be found. 

Seventh-Round Draft Pick Ready To Prove He Should Have Been Fifth-Round Draft Pick

Saying he means no disrespect to the players taken before him, New England Patriots’ seventh-round draft pick, Jamal Andrews, told reporters on Sunday that he’s ready to prove he deserved to be taken no later than the fifth round. 

Seventh-round draft picks typically have to fight hard just make an NFL roster, but Andrews believes his talent is marginally superior to that of a barely-make-the-team player. Having faith in himself and his skill set, he is ready to show the world his true potential as a below-average-but-still-very-much-on-the-team type of talent.

“I do a lot of things that don’t show up on the stat sheet,” said Andrews. “I invent elaborate handshakes with my teammates, console injured players on the way back to the locker room, and loudly cheer on coach’s play calls—though I have been asked to stop shouting them onto the field. For those reasons, I should have been drafted much higher—well, not ‘much higher,’ but at least in the fifth round.”

UPDATE: After receiving word of Andrew’s statements, Bill Belichick has traded the rookie to the Cincinnati Bengals in exchange for a future seventh-round pick.

New “Goff Institute” Receives $15 Million In Funding To Help Disadvantaged Young Quarterbacks Cope With Inability To Read Defense

Last Friday, the “Goff Institute” received a $15 million endowment to aid them in their quest to help disadvantaged young quarterbacks cope with the crippling inability to read defenses. “I wish there were resources like the Goff Institute when I was younger,” remarked 15-year veteran Ryan Fitzpatrick. “It’s an incredible resource for quarterbacks suffering from offensive ineptness.”

Ex-NFL players have voiced their support for the Institute, which hosts seminars like “When in Doubt, Throw it Out,” “Please, God, Call Pass Interference,” and “Brady’s Secret: Immortality.” Classes are taught by an elite class of former “Could’ve Beens” like Matt Leinart, Brady Quinn, and Christian Ponder. There is even a special weekly seminar taught by Jay Cutler called, “So You Threw a Pick and an Entire City Hates You.”

The “Goff Institute” has been championed by both mental health experts and offensive coordinators alike. Since joining the organization, spokesman Jared Goff is now reportedly reading defenses at a ‘Carson Palmer level,’ a major improvement for the young quarterback.

Matt Ryan’s Search For Another Teammate With A Coin Collection Continues

Of the main storylines in the Atlanta Falcons season none is more apparent than Matt Ryan’s search for another teammate with a coin collection. 

Ryan has been described as grabbing rookies and new free agent acquisitions and shows them his coin album with a slotted coin display including peel-n-seal adhesive covers in search of someone, anyone, he can share his love of coins with.

“I remember when I met Matt,” recalled Julio Jones, “he pulled me aside in the locker room and showed me his 1934 Steel Pennies held inside his vinyl 20-pocket thumb cut page binder.”  

This year Ryan brought the team together to talk about the season and in-turn also showed them his Gardall Compact Utility Safe with 1.16 Cubic Feet of Storage kept in his locker that he highly prefers over the Gardall 2-Hour Fire Safe with 2.22 Cubic Feet of Storage because it’s “just more compact.” Ryan went to open the safe, revealing a Wooden Presentation Box – America 1 oz Silver Eagle Series that contained a 3 coin Wooden Presentation Box – Falcon series with a mahogany finish which then contained  a 3×4 Velour drawstring pouch (burgundy, 1998 edition) which then contained Quadrum Intercept Snaplock Holder w/Black Gasket – 38 mm which then contained 1913 Liberty Head Nickel. 

“Matt is really into his coins,” said Falcons coach Dan Quinn, “[audible pause] he’s [more audible pause] really is into his coins.”

Despite his teammates not sharing the same coin passion as him, Ryan has mentioned to the team that if anyone had a rare coin to bring it in and maybe they can look at it together, as friends. “Maybe we could get a beer, hangout, or have general human contact and talk about coins,” said Ryan to the team in a post game victory speech. 

NFL Commercial Comes On During NFL Game To Convince NFL Fan To Watch NFL

Staring at the screen in the sports bar where he and his friends regularly meet to watch Monday Night Football, NFL fan Jacob Levis was reportedly very impressed as he watched the NFL’s latest commercial. “Wow, now this is a game changer,” said Levis, a diehard football fan who never misses a game, before emailing his secretary to cancel all his plans for this Sunday because, “This is more important.”

Levis, who attends several NFL games a year and already pays for a subscription to NFL Sunday Ticket, took to Twitter on Friday to laud the high-production quality of the commercial. “I’ve seen plenty of football games during my life, but there’s something special about a 30-second highlight reel reminding me there is Thursday Night Football every Thursday night during the NFL season,” said Levis, adding, “I really liked the soundtrack, too.”

Levis was reportedly so moved that he took to social media to share the commercial with several of his other friends, all of whom said it convinced them to continue watching football.

This Six-Year-Old’s Sticker Collection Puts The Entire Ohio State Football Program To Shame

It’s not often that athletes meet their idols.

But the Ohio State University football players got that chance after practice Wednesday when six-year-old Charlotte Wilson, whose sticker collection puts the school’s tradition of awarding helmet stickers for on-field merits to shame, paid a surprise visit to the team.

“Our football program is built on stickers. My players have to break a guy’s ankle just to get an ambulance sticker, and only then are they permitted to speak without raising their hands,” said head coach Ryan Day, adding that he particularly admired Wilson’s collection of emergency response vehicles, which she earned for knowing to dial 911 when one of her classmates suffered epileptic seizure. “I’ve never seen so many beautiful stickers in my entire life. The girl is a prodigy.”

Wilson has already accumulated 149 stickers for various feats such as washing her hands and knowing her home address. Day also named Wilson an honorary team captain in recognition of her unwavering commitment to hygiene, public safety, and academics.

“I’m honored to have the opportunity to meet someone who can show me all kinds of smiling clouds, happy fruits, and silly monkeys,” said defensive lineman Robert Davis, who earned his first waving dinosaur sticker after concussing an opponent last game. “I mean, she’s got seven dump trucks. How the fuck did she get seven dump trucks?”

Inside The Atlanta Falcons’ New Hurricane Refugee Center

Excited hurricane refugees who have lost nearly everything can’t wait to experience all the fan-friendly amenities that Atlanta’s new Mercedes-Benz Hurricane Refugee Center has to offer this season. The gorgeous $1.5 billion facility can comfortably seat up to 71,000 storm-ravaged individuals and features a state-of-the-art retractable roof, which the team plans to open during the eye of every major storm for survivors to enjoy some fresh air and sunlight during their refugee experience.

“Our guests deserve the best, so we give them the best.” said Senior Building Manager Penny Holtzer, “That’s why our 360-degree Halo videoboard – viewable from any cot in the house.”

Refugees will also be welcome to take a break from the action by enjoying the Center’s massive “ground to roof” window wall, which offers people unparalleled views of downtown Atlanta.

“We want our refugees to really feel valued,” said Holtzer, “That’s why every hurricane, we’re giving away free souvenir Red Cross water bottles to the first 20,000 refugees who enter the arena.”

Evacuees looking to upgrade their stay at the venue will also be able to book luxury suite shelters, which comes with complimentary boat parking.

Whatever the upcoming storm season may bring, one thing is certain: fans in Atlanta will be able to enjoy it in style. Except on Sundays, as the stadium has already been reserved for private events.

Native Americans Offended By Redskins Portraying Their People As Horrible Football Players

A heated protest took place outside of FedEx Field in Landover, Maryland last week over the team’s portrayal of Native Americans as terrible football players. Members of the National Congress of American Indians gathered outside the stadium to demand the ousting of Redskins’ owner Dan Snyder, the entire front office and coaching staff, and about 75% of the offensive line, give or take.

“It’s time for a change,” said fellow protester and Cherokee Nation member Adriel Clarke, while holding her young son’s hand. “How do I explain to my son that he’s going to grow up watching a team named after his people perform horribly week after week, year after year? One thousand Jim Thorpe YouTube videos can’t undo that kind of damage.”

“These people are demeaning our heritage,” said protestor and Lakota tribe member Russell Banks. “For nearly 30 years this team has perpetuated the harmful stereotype that indigenous Americans are a bunch of uncoordinated idiots who can’t convert a third down or execute a simple screen pass to save their lives.”

An Early Look At The Top Draft Prospects Of 2035

While the excitement of the NFL draft may be in the books, it’s never too early to look ahead into the next decade and examine the young talent that’s working its way up the grade-school pipeline! Without further ado, here are the top prospects of the 2035 NFL Draft.

  1. Jamie Kapellotis

This 12-year-old pocket passer may not have started going through puberty yet, but he already possesses the mental acuity of a 14-year-old Peyton Manning. Bright, agile, and able to read at a 9th-grade level, the only thing this beast is being grounded for playing too much Xbox. The only question is, with Jamie getting straight happy faces in both math and social studies, is this kid too smart to be an effective quarterback?

  1. Brandon Oban, Jr.

In addition to having two parents well over 6 feet tall, Brandon Oban Jr. is far and away the strongest kid in his P.E. class. This Pokemon superfan has all the tools to become a great defensive end. An absolute powerhouse out on the playground, Brandon has raised eyebrows among scouts for his signature move of sitting on one end of the seesaw and not letting his friends come down from the other side until the end of recess. Is that bullying? His teachers seem to think so, but it’s that innate stubbornness that will one day make him the perfect edge rusher for a 4-3 defense.

  1. D’Won Powell

Young D’Won Powell has always seemed like a sure thing, that is until he threw a massive temper tantrum in February after spilling his apple juice. It makes you wonder: was the pressure of being an elementary school prodigy what caused him to crack? We tried to get fifteen minutes alone with Powell during his lunch period to get to the bottom of this, but a security guard told us he would call the police if we didn’t exit school property.

Washington Redskins Change Name To Cleveland Indians

Addressing years of controversy surrounding the overtly racist nature of his team’s name, this Tuesday Washington Redskin’s owner, Daniel Snyder announced that the team will be changing its name to the Cleveland Indians, effective immediately.

“We knew we had to do something to make up for the years of pain that our indigenous brethren have endured,” said Snyder, solemnly telling reporters that Native Americans can take comfort in the fact that their ancestors’ souls are finally at peace.” 

Snyder insists that the team’s rebranding goes far beyond the new name. He laid out detailed plans to convert the team’s injury tent into a teepee, institute mandatory rain dance celebrations following every touchdown, and introduce a strict bartering system for all FedExField concession stands. 

“We’re very proud of our new Indian heritage,” said Snyder, adding that he is friends with many Indian casino owners, all of whom have assured him that they are now, officially the least racist team in sports. “It feels good to be on the right side of history.”

Snyder insists that the team’s rebranding goes far beyond the new name. He laid out detailed plans to convert the team’s injury tent into a teepee, institute mandatory rain dance celebrations following every touchdown, and introduce a strict bartering system for all FedExField concession stands. 

If That Player Played In This Era Different Stuff Would Happen

We all know how great they were in their day, but in today’s game, against today’s players, it would be a completely different story. It’s just not possible for an athlete of that caliber to compete in the modern era without at least some situations occurring. It’s absurd to deny that.

If that player had played against the same players as that other player, the same things would not have happened. That’s a guarantee. When you compare their stats side-by-side, although it’s all numbers, they are not the same numbers. Even if you account for the changes in playing style, athleticism, and officiating, you can’t overlook the fact that winners just win. Just look at the championships.

And let us not forget what they did with what they had in the situations they were given—and in times and places no less. It is precisely that unquantifiable x-factor that would make the difference on the offensive and defensive sides of the game. For a player whose work ethic was how we all remember it to be not to alter the chain of events as it exists in the space-time continuum is simply ridiculous. Numbers don’t lie.

Stream Of Sports Consciousness: This Team Played A Great Game And Came To Play Tonight And Put Up Their Best Defense And In The End The Best Team Won Thank You

Wow!

I mean this team really brought it tonight and finished strong and attacked the defense and wasn’t so sure in the first half but you just have to stick to plan and they really gave it their all and it showed and left it all on the floor tonight truly incredible and they really brought their A-Game came to play stonewall defense and I know Monday morning quarterback but scoreboard is scoreboard it’s a team effort thanks finish strong.

Much appreciated.

You just have to go out there and get pucks deep past their D move the chains get in position fundamentals eye on the ball you know amazing group of guys on this team love one another brothers play for each other not about individuals only team plays play great game with the hustle was the name of the game tonight couldn’t get anything past them one team wanted it more incredible team solid coaching and that’s hustle defense wins championships.

Tonight gut-check slam dunk hole in thank you step up take one for the team power D-line amazing.

You Can Take The Bills Out Of Buffalo, But Please Don’t

I know, I know. Your city wants an NFL team and the Bills look ripe for the taking. Before you take the leap, I beg you to stop and consider what you’re doing. You don’t want the Bills. Nobody wants the Bills. 

The Bills are the worst thing that has ever happened to me. If they move to your city, they’ll be the worst thing that ever happens to you, too. 

From the moment they arrived in Buffalo, the Bills have helped gradually corrode our way of life. At first, we did our best to support them. We attended games, wore their signature apparel and even convinced ourselves that management would eventually build a winner.

Oh sure, we won a couple of AFC championships in the ‘90s, but that’s not exactly a tale you pass on to your grandchildren. They want to hear about Super Bowls. And as the years passed by, it became abundantly clear that Buffalo, New York, would never be home to the Vince Lombardi trophy. 

Do you know what that does to a city? Always being certain that failure lies just around the corner? Just look at Cleveland. That’s us. We’re Cleveland with more snow. Is that what you want for yourselves? 

At this point, even moving the team won’t save us. The communal sense of failure is so deeply entrenched that we are now the only place on Earth qualified to play host to the virus that is the Bills. By sacrificing ourselves, we hope to contain it.

So, spare yourselves the agony and let the Bills stay in Buffalo. You’ll thank us later. 

NFL Experts Say It’s Anyone’s Year, Except The Jacksonville Jaguars

Heading into a season that promises considerable parity among the top teams, experts agree it’s anyone’s year to win the Super Bowl, with the sole exception of the Jacksonville Jaguars. Despite having a top-10 defense, Pro Bowl talent in the backfield, and a former #1 overall pick at quarterback, it’s a guarantee the Jaguars will not be crowned NFL champions this season.

Let’s look at the analytics: In the 53 years that have passed since the first Super Bowl was held, a Florida team has won on only three occasions, with that team being the Jaguars zero of those times.

Look, this may sound harsh but it’s not just us. All the experts agree, including the analytics gurus over at 538, ESPN, FoxSports, and oddly The Cosmopolitan magazine, all agree that the Jaguars are completely, without a doubt, not going to do it. Even if they make it to the big game their odds of winning somehow drop below 0%. It’s just simple math at that point.

All else being equal, history is on our side. This is the 24th year in a row that we have predicted the Jaguars won’t win the Super Bowl, every year since the team was founded, and we remain undefeated. 

How Young Is Too Young To Sign Your Child Up For Their First Concussion?

As a parent, you want your child to have a head start – and that means getting their first concussion out of the way as soon as they qualify for Pee Wee Football. But, just how soon until you let your little one suffer his or her first brain injury? Well, according to the American Youth Football Organization, the answer is simple: the earlier the better. 

“Parents understand that the timing of their child’s inaugural concussion is incredibly important to their long-term mental development,” said AYFO spokeswoman, Hannah Schlafly during a recent interview with Sports Riot. “That’s why our ‘Newborn And Up’ division is becoming more popular with each new season. Now you can head straight from the birthing bed to the practice field and ensure that your child’s fragile brain receives the damage it needs.”

Still, some parents are demanding the addition of even younger age brackets, believing that allowing their child to play football against older children may lead to unintentional and terrible consequences such as broken bones or exposure to swearing.

“It’s past time that we give pregnant women the opportunity to suit up and hit the gridiron,” said expecting father Elijah Powell, “If my wife were out there delivering big hits, maybe our son would have a shot developing CTE in utero. That’s the dream.”

It’s up to parents to decide when to gift their children with their first concussion, but following the initial hit every child should receive a daily booster concussion for 1-2 months. 

Football Players Speak Out About How It Feels To Be Dehumanized As “X’s” and “O’s”

A new documentary released this Monday featured a coalition of NFL players speaking out against the dehumanizing culture behind being reduced to X’s and O’s.

More Than A Letter includes interviews with several NFL stars who argue that the emphasis on game-planning has transformed the NFL into a regime wherein players are viewed more as tactical instruments than independent human beings.

“Deep down, I know I’m more than just a slant route,” Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Number Eleven says in the film.

Others insist they too have been mistreated by coaches who see them as nothing more than a single component within the larger offensive or defensive scheme. Former Eagles running back Number Twenty-Six mistakenly asserts head coach Doug Pederson didn’t say a word to him after he tore his ACL. Later that day the team waived Number Twenty-Six, citing “defective parts.”

“I love the League, and I love Mr. Goodell. He protects me. He protects all the X’s and the O’s,” Number Ninety-Nine says in the documentary.

When asked how he manages to know each player so intimately, Goodell insisted he and the League are always watching, always watching, ALWAYS WATCHING — a major takeaway for players from this documentary that is mandatory-player-viewing.

Jay Cutler Still Ready To Throw Ball In Area Of Teammates

Saying he misses the adrenaline of closing his eyes and just throwing the ball wherever, free agent quarterback Jay Cutler announced today his post-retirement training has made him more capable than ever at throwing the football in the general vicinity of the players on his team.

“I may be 35, but I still feel like I can toss it up down-field to the guy whose job it is to figure out where to go to catch it,” Cutler said. 

The 12-year-pro maintains that his ability to overlook open receivers and throw it into quadruple-coverage is as formidable now as it was during the peak of his career. Advanced statistics show that in the last 10 seasons, Cutler is tied for the league lead in passes that stayed inside the stadium. 

The speculation of a Cutler return has drawn interest from all 32 teams hoping to capitalize on the former Pro Bowler’s ability to be a huge pick-me-up for struggling defenses. None as much as the Atlanta Falcons who are offering a 2nd round and 3rd round draft pick to any team in their division who will sign him and start him.