Nihilist Offensive Coordinator Chris Perlman addressed the press ahead of the upcoming season, saying he doesn’t care how many points the team scores under him because points, like life itself, are inherently meaningless. “We could score 30, 45, 100 points in a game, and most people would call that impressive. But no matter what, the season, like life, will ultimately come to an end,” said Perlman before taking a drag from his cigarette and reminding his team, “life has no playbook.”

Perlman, who was hired to run the team’s offense, remains critical of football’s scoring system in general, saying that assigning three points to a field goal and six points for a touchdown is patently absurd because “because everything is worth nothing.” Perlman was also one of the few coaches to come out against the canceling of the NFL preseason because he believes “every game is equally pointless, none more than any other.”

In regard to his plans for the team’s offense this year, Perlman had this to say: “I just tell my guys to throw a Hail Mary, because that’s all that life is: a long, desperate attempt at finding any meaning whatsoever. Even if they catch it and score, you’re back on defense, fighting against the onslaught that is life.” Perlman ended the press conference by taking another long drag from his cigarette and telling reporters, “If you stare deep into zone coverage, the defenders stare back.”

The New York Jets are primed for momentous progress as analysts project the team to win 13 games from the 2019-2022 seasons. “Don’t look now, but surging from way at the bottom of the standings are the New York Jets, who could combine for more than a dozen wins over the course of the next four seasons,” said NFL Live’s Tim Hasselbeck.

The buzz around the team stems from reports about the organization implementing a new jug machine for their wide-receivers to practice catching footballs that could yield 3.25 wins a year from now until 2022. “The New York Jets are serious about their football team. Implementing everything from stretching to building out a film room to scout opponents, is what could really help them go from drafting 1 through 4 to winning so much they have to draft from 5 to 8,” said Adam Schefter.

This new era in Jets football is likely to see faces stick around a little bit longer then what fans are used to, “Instead of seeing five coaches in four years, you might only see two this time around. Instead, 11 quarterbacks in that same amount of time, fans will be surprised to only have to remember three names of whoever will be under center,” said Cris Colinsworth.

Asked about the increased expectations for his team, first-year Head Coach, Adam Gase said, “It’s a great time to be a Jets fan knowing the excitement of what new faces you’ll get to see each week after replacing the ones from the week before.”

How many could we list?

1. A lowly local pet detective would have access to Dan Marino like that? 
2. These kidnappers were found by a guy with that hair?
3. The kidnappers’ game plan was to get close to a dolphin to get close to Marino? 
4. What was the point of that cocktail party in the middle of the movie?
5. Why weren’t the 49ers consulted about how to get to Mario over and over and OVER again?

After winning the opening coin toss and electing to receive the ball the Lions immediately went into punt formation and returned the ball to the opposition, a play they repeated throughout the entire game.

“We just decided to say ‘fuck it, let’s punt on first down every possession and see what happens,’” Lions head coach Matt Patricia said when discussing the team’s encouraging moral-win 80-2 loss. “Defense wins championships, and the sooner we can deploy our defense, maybe our overall game is more efficient, who knows?”

Patricia’s innovative strategy is giving new hope to Lions faithful.

“Patricia is a Belichick disciple, so we’ve gotta trust his process,” said 97.1 The Ticket’s Jeff Rigor, a Detroit sports radio host. “If the Lions don’t punt on first down, then they have three extra chances to turn the ball over.”

By removing the pressure from quarterback Matthew Stafford, analysts are now predicting a career season for the 11-year veteran, who is on pace to throw zero interceptions, sparking early MVP buzz. 

After the game, the Lions released punter Arryn Siposs for his embarrassing gaffe where his 60-yard punt went through the uprights after hitting the ground which led to a rare two point Lions drop kick.  

The game of football was forever changed Sunday when Falcons wide receiver Clark Thompson used a secret football he had hidden in his socks to score the game-winning touchdown.  

The Falcons, down late against the Chargers, put all their hopes on a Hail Mary pass that saw Thompson, surrounded by a group of defenders, seemingly emerge with the ball. Thompson actually had pulled the secret ball from his sock and held it up for all to see, while simultaneously using the pileup to hide the fact that he picked up the real game ball from the ground and snuck it into his jock.  

Sports fans haven’t seen misdirection executed at this high of a level since David Blane made the Houston Oilers disappear. For his part, a champagne soaked Thompson said, “You can call it magic, but the truth is I’d do anything to win, and I proved that today.”  

While the rules for a player having a second, secret football hidden in their socks are unclear, the score stood, as an official review found a lack of conclusive evidence to overturn the call or that there even was a second ball.

After the game, an exasperated Chargers coach met with the media to question the legality of the play.

“If he didn’t have a second ball then please tell me what that fucking football sized bulge in his sock was!”

Although impressed by the NBA’s “cute” Bubble in Orlando, the NFL has announced that it has chosen somewhere a little bigger and slightly more populous for its own isolation zone, selecting the entire United States of America as its first-ever Bubble Country.

“Look, Disney World is a great place to take your family, have an NBA season, or eat a churro, but this is football we’re talking about,” said NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, while puffing on a cigar from inside his new NFL Oval Office, “Our players need lots of room to play, and our fans needs lots of room to park and buy things. Only all of America can offer that to us. Plus, we’ll still  have lots of space leftover just in case our new normal requires us to build a stadium or 32 every six months.”

While the NBA, in addition to heightened security and education, created a 100+ page rule book to protect players and staff inside its Bubble from COVID-19, the NFL says it will forgo such an exercise, and opt instead to show all US residents a series of 5-second long Jumbotron animations on the importance of proper safety protocols, led by newly minted Bubble Country mascot, Spiral – The Self-Sanitizing Football.

“Isn’t he cute?!” asked a half-submerged-in-Purell Goodell, squeezing a stuffed Spiral plush close to his chest, “He’s practical, too! If you cough on him and a picture of Rudy Gobert shows up, it means you have Coronavirus, and are now eligible to enjoy one of Bubble Country’s many esteemed hospitals for the low add-on cost of $35,000/night.”

Should Bubble Country prove to be the success he imagines, Goodell says he plans to take the excess profit and repurpose it towards buying the entire continent of Europe, where he remains hellbent on making football take, once and for all.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell in a video call today issued a statement of apology for not realizing the handsome financial benefits of supporting the players in their fight against racial injustice over four years ago.

“It is truly devastating to look at my actions in the past and see how insensitive they were to the plight of our league’s owners who were unable to maximize their profits during the 2016 season,” Goodell said.

After researching the positive response generated by corporations and their support of Black Lives Matter, the NFL’s market analysts determined the league needed to abandon the Breast Cancer Awareness and Salute To Service months and focus solely on Black Lives Matter.

“We were only able to generate $20 million dollars in profit for October and November, but now we are projected to produce 11-times that amount thanks to our commitment to fight racism,” Goodell said.

To quickly move forward and right their past wrongs, Goodell revealed that the league will produce millions of Colin Kaepernick jerseys to meet consumer demands at the behest of owners, who, in 2016, lobbied against selling the uniforms.

“They said Kaepernick was bad for business. That’s our bad. In fact, after running the numbers, he’s great for business!”

Goodell concluded his video call by kneeling to show solidarity with the players while saying, “I would also like to reveal that for every kneel taken by one of our players, Budweiser will be donating $10 to Black Lives Matter, and just 85% will go to the NFL.”

FOOTBALL IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!

When you open your bag of chips, if you don’t rip the bag open by grabbing one end of the bag with your teeth and other with your hand, GET OUT OF MY FACE!!!

ULTIMATE!!!!

I’m naked dancing in the hallway eating Buffalo Chicken Dip while I wait for my Deshaun Watson jersey to finish in the dryer!!!!

YOU! ME! foot…. ball…….

NO!!!! IT’S PRONOUNCED FOOOOTTTTTTTT-BALLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!

I’m yelling in the mirror, “REF! WHAT WAS THAT!!!???” practicing for the game when my team gets called for holding.

IT’S GETTING SERIOUS!!!!

I live for football! I’m only alive for 5 months out of the year!!!!

HUT! HUT!

I told all my neighbors, football is back! I told them all at the same time by opening my bedroom window and YELL…

FOOTBALL IS BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In light of football’s triumphant return to the American sports scene after a harrowing year, league officials have decided to indefinitely cancel the baseball season since it will no longer be needed or wanted by the public.

The decision was announced this week via a mass text sent to all Americans that contained a .GIF of Hank Williams Jr. singing “Are you ready for no baseball?” as well as a demand to change the channel from the recipient’s local FOX Sports channel to NBC.

The announcement has been met with celebration across the country. “After a year like ours, it’s like having the boys come home from war. I was worried we’d have to make the patriotic sacrifice of getting really into baseball because football wouldn’t happen,” one Green Bay Packers fan told reporters. “I guess I can bring my NFL flag up from half-mast now.”

Even MLB fans were happy with the decision. “Nuts to baseball, I’m excited to see how Brady does in Tampa,” Houston Astros pitcher Justin Verlander told reporters, echoing his colleagues across the MLB. “Baseball’s just something we all do to occupy most of our time in between football seasons.”

For all games that were currently in progress during the announcement, the National Guard, in conjunction with the MLB, declared that “next run wins” and promised to evacuate players to their off-season homes before the NFL’s first kickoff.

The MLB is slated to return next spring with the modification that football will be played in lieu of baseball.

Amid outcry from close family and friends on both sides of the divide, marriage fans are left wondering whether the decision NFL referee Terry Grier made to leave his loving spouse, Sharon, was a bad call.

Sharon, who had never before been cited with so much as a penalty in her 25-year tenure as a wife, was abruptly ejected from the marriage following a series of illegal use of hands calls after she allegedly interfered with the passes Terry made towards her in bed. 

“Terry made a snap judgment and should have reviewed his decision,” said a longtime friend of the family. “You’re really not supposed to make that call in that situation. I’m not surprised that Sharon threw a challenge flag. Anybody would.”

Terry’s children also objected to the decision. 

“We yelled that he was blind, and needed to get his head out of his ass and open his eyes,” said Terry’s teenage son, Jackson, before Terry deemed the attack an all-out blitz and intentionally grounded the kids.

Sharon, who maintains that she did nothing wrong but sacrifice her body and career to build a family with Terry, entered the NFL’s appeal process where the decision against her was ultimately upheld—though the league acknowledged the rules governing what constitutes a marriage confuse fans of matrimony all the time.

Reached for comment, Terry defended his position, but called Sharon’s newfound enthusiasm for the single life an unnecessary celebration and said the three dates she went on constituted way too many men on the field.

Renowned temp agency Pigskin Professionals has placed yet another interim coach for the Jacksonville Jaguars, their largest client, with all of their head coaches being temp placements dating back to 1999. 

“The Jaguars are our favorite client because they’ve decided to be ahead of the curve. Why spend all that money on one head coach when you could subcontract out a temp? We make money. They save money. Everyone wins.” 

Despite having not won a single game due to head coaching since 1996, the backfill was a tall order, assistant coach Terry Myers told reporters.

“We looked for a coach proficient in the West Coast Offense and Microsoft Excel.” 

The must-have requirements for this position quickly became widespread around the NFL, resulting in over 45 applicants in just five days. A candidate would have met these requirements: 

1.   10+ years of experience in the NFL as a Head Coach
2.   Strong written and verbal communication
3.   Master’s Degree in Football Science (preferred) 

Jaguars ownership has expressed their desire that this coach “must be able to coach,” marking a drastic shift in the team’s business model of the last two decades. 

“We’re looking for someone to hit the ground running without interference. Someone not afraid to challenge when necessary or flag issues,” a Jaguars front office statement read.

Newly promoted Jaguars head coach Justin Brandt addressed the media, the high profile position he’s filling, his qualifications, and the Jaguars future saying, “I can make copies, I have an English degree, and I can pass a drug test.”

In a press statement released on Wednesday, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell laid out how the NFL will proceed in adhering to CDC safety guidelines during the 2020 season, noting that all offensive and defensive linemen will be forced to be at least six feet in width, or risk ineligibility.

“Maintaining social distancing will be hard to do, so we’re really looking for our linemen to be the leaders in spacing out the field of play,” said Goodell speaking outside of Lambeau Field, where he had just returned with the Packers’ defensive line from their sixth McDonalds run of the day. “Athlete health is my number one concern, so we’re working tirelessly with every head coach in the League to make sure that their players get up to COVID-safe weight requirements of 800 pounds or more.”

CDC Director Robert Redfield applauded the move, noting that on top of merely providing distancing, the distended, fully convex fronts of the newly-engorged linemen would be the perfect shape to disperse COVID aerosol particles should any of the players’ stomachs be directly sneezed on.

Both Goodell and Redfield then addressed the already-intensive effort many linemen were displaying in achieving the required 450-plus-pound rapid weight gain.

“From stopping all cardio workouts, to single handedly close down Waffle Houses, I am consistently amazed at the drive and work ethic of these talented young men,” said Goodell. “I’m confident that thanks to their protection efforts, the NFL will be able to keep its top merchandise sellers safely huddled behind them, completely out of harm’s way.”

Goodell then went on to silence his critics by citing the recent autopsy of one particularly effective offensive tackle on the Pittsburgh Steelers, who was proven to have died of a non-COVID-related heart attack.

During contract negotiations with starting quarterback Dak Prescott, curiosity struck Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, prompting him to ask the veteran signal-caller if he ever considered becoming a white quarterback. 

“I’m a big math guy, and based on my analytics research, I’ve noticed a trend on how white quarterbacks are the ones who win the most Super Bowls and make the most money. I know you want to win Super Bowls and make a lot of money, but have you considered being white in order to make this happen?” said Jones to Prescott. 

Although pleased with Prescott’s 4,902 yards and 30 touchdowns in passing last season, Jones just isn’t sure. 

“I remember Michael Irvin was able to throw 75 yards with perfect accuracy, and knew the playbook better than anyone else. But I just wasn’t sold, so I insisted that the coaches play him at receiver,” said Jones, adding that he had quarterbacks that went on to become MVPs like Cam Newton, Patrick Mahomes, and Lamar Jackson high on his draft board but only to play either receiver or running back. “I regret not moving up to take Lamar Jackson. He would’ve been a really good addition to our backfield.”

While multiple teams around the league are lined up to give Prescott a lucrative contract if the Cowboys let him go, Jones is confident in his winning formula in Dallas. 

Rumors are that if the Cowboys do not re-sign Prescott, they have their eyes on an All-Pro out of San Francisco to take the reins under center. 

“I don’t know what it is, but I really think that Christian McCaffrey has what it takes to be the next great Cowboys quarterback and carry on the legacy of Roger Staubach and Troy Aikman,” said Jones.

After days of tireless research into hundreds of potential draft picks, fantasy football owner Mark Thomas has figured out how he will take his Keeper League’s homemade trophy this year. Thomas has spent the offseason looking at tape and which players are getting eight hours of sleep. This savvy fantasy football owner will only draft the players with the strongest immune system. 

Thomas, a 10 year fantasy owner, has spent less time worrying about the previous season’s stats and preseason hype, and more on how much Vitamin C is in his players’ diets. “I know everyone is saying Tanner Abbott should go number 1, but Tevin Lawrence washes his hands every time he enters his home. Abbott is good at washing his hands 3 times a day, max. That’s an easy edge to Lawrence.” Thomas knows that the best ability for players is availability, and he cannot afford two weeks of missed points. “The stats show that defenses who distance from each other and consume 90 ML of Vitamin C average 15 points a game,” Thomas said, entering new information into his detailed spreadsheet. 

A veteran fantasy owner, Thomas knows that he has to get an advantage anywhere he can find it. “Winning is in the margins in fantasy, and I need to find players with elite antibodies. How do you think the Patriots always win? That’s a classic Belichick move,” Thomas continued while looking at the latest reports from ESPN and the WHO simultaneously. 

“I’m the first to check the waiver wires every Tuesday morning waiting to find sleepers without  micronutrient deficiencies. Have you seen this wide receiver from Seattle? Dude hasn’t caught a cold since middle school,” Thomas continued. “This is a keeper league, so these players have no room for a two week absence on my team.”

Thomas, a generous and benevolent owner, has been known to reward “players” for strong performances by mailing them hand sanitizer and mask for any player scoring more than 20 points for his team.

In a landmark moment for the BYU Football team, BYU is celebrating their biggest win after Head Coach Kalani Sitake found a gold-plated playbook buried in the hill behind his house. Sitake, awakened in the middle of the night by Ty Detmer, was led to the hill in his backyard with the promise of salvation and Run-Pass Options. ⠀

Many from outside the program have doubted the validity of the victory because Sitake will only let an inner circle of Jim McMahon and Steve Young see the playbook. Both former players and current profits have sworn by the innovation of the playbook, while also noting that there was evidence that football was invented in Utah. With the exciting new Golden Playbook, BYU would start the formation of the Team Of Lateral Saints. ⠀

The Divine documents found in the coaches background has some strict guidelines that would lead to deliverance and a 10-3 record. First, all Cougar players will wear blessed jockstraps during games. Sitake also mentioned that unbeknownst to his predecessors, the Head Coach of the BYU Football team is allowed to marry multiple wives. The most crucial section of the Playbook mentions that all things are possible, even a New Year’s Day Bowl, as long as the team keeps minorities off the team. 

The Golden Playbook led to a marginal increase in victories on the football field. Sitake attributes a major portion of the success to BYUs players denouncing all other false coaches and false Prophet Joseph Smith, and following the Book of Kalani. The Cougars were offered to play in the Sugar Bowl, but were forced to turn down the offer when Starbucks became the new sponsor.

Responding to the growing wave of racial reckoning throughout the country and sports world, this Monday the Washington Football Team announced an immediate ban on all Native American imagery and people from FedEx Field. ⠀

The move is the latest in a long line of public relations wins for the franchise, a mindset reflected by owner Dan Snyder in the video call with reporters.⠀

“I’m not sure how to define a Native American, but I know it when I see it, and we’re refocusing our efforts on building an inclusive franchise that has zero tolerance for Native American imagery, people, or traditions,” Snyder said, adding that the franchise also fired its longtime director of scouting after a DNA test revealed distant Native American heritage. “We’re here to play football, not incite racism.”⠀

As part of the ban, Snyder announced that ponchos, corn, and cooking over a fire are now prohibited during pregame tailgate parties, all of which has the potential to remind fans of the painful racism levied against Native Americans.⠀

“Furthermore, our franchise will no longer play games against teams from the former tribal lands of Illinois, Michigan, Wisconsin, or the Kansas City Chiefs. No longer shall we turn a blind eye to racism against Native Americans,” Snyder said before calling on franchises across the country to remove all Native American imagery and people in order to prevent further racism.⠀

In response to the move, Jacksonville Jaguars owner Shahid Khan told the press he remains steadfast in his refusal to ban Jaguars from TIAA Bank Field. ⠀

The city of Cincinnati was left reeling on Thursday, as star quarterback Joe Burrow, after a grueling, incredibly horrifying [four week] career with the Bengals, claimed that he could not take the devastating mental and physical toll any longer and announced his retirement.

“I’ve given literally everything a human being possibly could to this organization,” said Burrow, gingerly setting down the four stacks of cup carriers containing frappucinos that the Brown family had asked him to pick up for them. “It’s been a fantastic, seemingly unending journey, but after the many press conferences, public appearances, and seconds spent in the city of Cincinnati, I know in my heart that there’s no way I can continue on like this.”

According to Burrow, problems started almost immediately when he put on a Bengals helmet and happened to catch his reflection in the mirror. But as the days stretched on his complaints grew to include a wide range of subjects, such as the worrying amount of shady characters hanging around practice whom the Bengals kept insisting were his teammates, or the fact that his contract required him to stand outside of Paul Brown Stadium for an hour before each home game to shake hands with, in Burrow’s words, “the absolute worst that society has to offer.”

“Overall, what it comes down to is I’m in a dead-end job that’s going nowhere,” said Burrow. “I’ve still got a long future ahead of me, and I’m beginning to realize that there’s more to this life than making money. Like not playing with the Bengals.”

A very unsurprising conflict has emerged within the 49ers’ current Zoom conference meeting, as multiple players are reporting that no one wants to inform fellow teammate, Richard Sherman, that his microphone is muted.

“As soon as I saw he’d logged into the meeting with a Seahawks logo as his background, I knew we were in for a long night,” said 49ers head coach Kyle Shanahan, taping a picture of himself listening attentively over his webcam so he could go make a pot of coffee without Sherman noticing. “Sometimes he goes off like this for over 10 hours—especially if he disagrees with a coverage switch, or if he’s interacted with Darrelle Revis on Twitter recently. If you ask me, Richard being muted is a gift from God.”

Thankfully Sherman did change the background to something more San Francisco appropriate but despite everything according to the unwitting Sherman, however, the meeting has been one of the most productive all offseason: “I feel like we’ve worked through a good 30 percent or so of my issues with the team,” said Sherman, briefly pausing around the two-hour mark to take a sip of water, “And they’ve all been super supportive, too—no one’s challenging me on anything!”

“That is, except for that one time when DeForest Buckner coughed,” added Sherman. “That was disrespectful.”

The rest of the 49ers plan to continue enjoying this rare moment of tranquility for the next four hours, at which point someone will change their background to Michael Crabtree, causing Sherman to hurl his laptop across the room.

While the virtual NFL draft was a success on multiple fronts, some Phoenix viewers have noted that the event had one additional benefit: providing the perfect view to finally realize their dreams of illegally breaking into Kliff Kingsbury’s Paradise Valley home.

“As soon as I saw the pavilion in his backyard, I thought, ‘Wow, what a perfect place to hide until nightfall,’” said lifelong Cardinals fan and two-time convicted felon James Tarkanian. “I guess he’s confident enough in his defensive strategy that he’s willing to take risks, but I dunno… that all-glass paneling in the back looks super easy to penetrate, if you ask me.”

Several sources disclosed their plans to break into Kingbury’s place of residence, including using pneumatic vacuum cups to run a post route along the double-high ceiling in his kitchen, or, in a real Hail Mary move, rappelling down through the obvious gap in coverage provided by his spacious, 100-percent-black-Italian-marble fireplace.

Once inside, some potential home invaders say they will stick to simple burglary, while others plan on rummaging through Kingsbury’s diary and personal emails to look for any possible clue as to why he would trade Tyrann Mathieu, or what former Fox Sports reporter Holly Sonders could possibly see in him.

They will have to move quickly, however, as sources from Seattle say that the Seahawks are already en route to Kingsbury’s house, where their defensive line will be attempting its own break-in as a team-building exercise.

If there’s one thing NASCAR fans can’t get enough of, it’s the heart-pounding, adrenaline-pumping, metal-bending, high-speed collisions that make the sport so special. That’s why this Monday NASCAR officials unveiled NASCAR CrashZone, a commercial-free channel that will show subscribers every live crash from around the track.

CrashZone is the perfect product for fans who lack the attention span to watch an entire race, but still want to see potentially catastrophic car crashes as they happen. CrashZone’s advanced crash-prediction AI will cut to the action before the crash happens so that you can watch the fiery mayhem in real time.

How does this technology work? It’s simple. CrashZone’s algorithm takes into account various factors, such as how tired the driver looks, whether a car is leaking oil, and whether or not it’s on fire, and uses them to calculate the likelihood of it crashing. With CrashZone, NASCAR fans will never have to worry about missing another explosion.