When Tom Brady left the Patriots practice facility in March, he assured a concerned Julian Edelman he’d be right back and was just running out to get some cigarettes. With number 12 still not back, Edelman is now worried whether he’ll ever get to see the head of the Patriots’ clubhouse-hold again. 

“I know he said he was going to Tampa for his smokes, but that was months ago. Google Maps says it’s only a 23-hour car ride from Foxborough,” said Brady’s favorite little guy.

Lashing out in frustration from having an absentee quarterback, Edelman has refused to fully cooperate with the chores Head Coach, Bill Belichick, has demanded him to do. A once happy kid who would always sprint to the film-room, now kicks and drags his feet while groaning his way over to team conditioning drills. “Every time we did good at practice, Tom would take us out for avocado ice cream,” Edelman complained in the Locker Room after a team workout without the 6-Time Super Bowl winning quarterback.

After hearing rumors that Brady found a new group of pass-catchers to his football family named Mike Evans and Chris Godwin, the scrappy receiver reportedly left a voicemail on Brady’s phone asking if he would still visit at least every other Sunday, pending Belichick’s custody approval.

After seeing a bright blue version of his favorite animal, 5 year old Jackson Montana has unknowingly doomed himself by selecting the Detroit Lions as his favorite football team. Jackson, who clearly hasn’t done his homework, is completely unaware that the last time the Lions won a Championship was 1957, before his own Grandfather was even born. This complete dumbass 5 year old has just picked the Detroit Lions as his favorite football team. 

Jackson, fresh off waking up from his afternoon nap, was blissfully unaware that Detroit ranked 26th in overall defense in 2019. Hell, does Jackson even know who their starting EDGE Rusher was? 

This Preschooler just recently started having some independent thought, and this is one of the first ones? He doesn’t even understand the basics of a Spread Offense? You know who else doesn’t understand the basics of a Spread Offense? The Offensive Coordinator of the Detroit Lions! So really, when you think about it, this is a moron match made in stupid Heaven. Remember all of this when Matthew Stafford checks down for the third straight time. Your parents consider you the checkdown pass of children.  

Sure, we all think that lions are cool, majestic animals, but that isn’t why you should pick them as your favorite team! Look how they treated him Barry Sanders! Do you really think they’ll care for you? Jackson, you simple, simple, dumb 5 year old. Just remember this moment in 30 years Jackson when the Lions draft a bust Receiver in the first round for the 12th year in a row. 

All this comes as a great disappointment to Jackson’s father, Mark, who is a lifelong New York Jets fan. Mark decided to become a Jets at 5 when he realized there was a team with a green plane. 

CHICAGO – It may be hard to believe, but the city of Chicago – the nation’s 3^rd largest metropolis – does not currently have a professional football team to call its own. Although, with the league’s expansion efforts in full swing, many have begun asking the question on everyone’s mind: Is now the time for an NFL team to move to Chicago?

Consider this: Not every city comes pre-loaded with tens of millions of passionate, frustrated football fans. But Chicago does. Plus, the city already has a large, oddly-fat looking building that could technically be used as a professional football stadium – which could help to severely expedite the expansion process. The city is so ready for a team, in fact, that potential buyers are being told that their team could be playing football in Chicago as early as this Sunday if they wanted.  

 “The infrastructure, the merchandise, heck, even the uniforms – we have all of it ready right now,” said head of the Chicago Fan Experience committee, Anna Barr, “All we’re missing is a competent coach, a sighted quarterback, and the rest of a team.”

The expansion franchise, which taxpayers are happily willing to pay upwards of $5 billion for, would slot nicely into the currently 3-teamed NFC North, and could bring about new rivalries within the league.

“We’ve always wanted to stick it to those jerks in Green Bay,” continued Barr, “With an NFL team, we finally could.”

League officials say they are currently reviewing the bid to put a new team in Chicago, but are also hoping to knock out two birds with one stone by asking city officials if they would consider airlifting the entire Midwestern town to London, instead.

Construction is underway for the new SoFi Stadium in Inglewood, and true to the city of Los Angeles’ forward-thinking spirit, lead engineering firm AECOM Hunt has promised that the finished venue will comprise of no less than 60% of sustainable, upcycled low-income housing.

“As the sole representatives of America’s progressive movement, we Californians have a duty to challenge those not on the coast to rethink what the absolute limits of zero-waste can be,” said AECOM Hunt CEO Michael S. Burke. “Can water be zero-waste?  Can affordable housing? What about actual meat-bits of your average, below-median working-class taxpayer? It really makes you think.”

Burke boasted that his firm’s commitment to mindfulness even went so far as to influence the selection of the compostable homes themselves.

“We had a staggering, almost-unconscionable amount of dilapidated housing to work with just in the few square miles surrounding the stadium, but we wanted to make sure we reflected the diverse makeup of all of LA’s low-income community,” said Burke. “Latinx homes, Caucasian homes, even the East Asian/Pacific Islander homes out in Monterey Park, we took them all and are going to make millions off their cultures and physical homes.”  

With more environmentally conscious additions such as its credit-card-only concessions and low-flush luxury boxes still in development, it remains uncertain as to when SoFi Stadium will be complete. Until then, LA residents will be impatiently awaiting the inaugural kickoff, which will take place on top of a new proprietary artificial turf made from repurposed WIC cards.

After blowing his whistle and throwing a flag for false foreplay, NFL referee Joe Hodges glanced at the clock positioned on his nightstand and notified his wife that exactly two minutes remained in this sexual intercourse session.

“Lorraine, this is your two-minute warning,” Hodges said while signaling the stoppage in play with his hands, indicating to his wife that she should now focus on proper cock management to put herself in position for a Hail Mary finish.

Hodges used the brief stoppage in play to drink water and prepare for crunch time. However, after resuming play and failing to penetrate the defense, Lorraine Hodges took a knee and finished the session alone in the bathroom for the third straight week.

Breaking news! It looks like the home team’s top left tackle, Donovan Johnson sustained what appears to be a pretty severe, if not lifelong, injury. Let’s take a closer look.

From this angle, you can clearly see the defensive end charging toward Johnson, and then when the moment of impact occurs, Johnson’s helmet flies off his head. This is where the kicker’s foot clips the back of Johnson’s exposed head.

Okay, let’s slow it down and zoom in on Johnson’s head with the sideline camera. Now you can clearly see the moment where Johnson’s left eye jerks loose from its socket, but we can’t quite get a good angle on how his right eye reacts to this. We really do wonder what that eye was seeing.

Luckily, our GMC We Are Professional Grade 360 Instant Replay can capture the play from Johnson’s actual eye. Here you can see the screen darken, which illustrates the exact moment his eyesight shifted to his right eye. If we switch over to Johnson’s right-eye cam we can watch as his tibia first pierces through skin. Now we’ll follow Johnson as personnel transport him and his dangling legs to Washington Memorial Hospital, where doctors will conclude he’ll never play again. 

All credit belongs to our crew for capturing this entire sequence as the staff preps Johnson for facial reconstruction surgery, which we will, of course, bring to you live.

Gosh, you really just hate to see this, but in case you’re just joining us, let’s get you up to speed and take a closer look.

We just had this thought: we all like sports, and we don’t like commercials. So what if we had, like, sports with less commercials?

Holy crap! Think about it! You ever watch a game and right when your favorite quarterback is about to get the ball, they go to commercial break? What’s with that, man?

It’s like the only thing that stinks about sports is the commercials, and if we can, like, make them a lot less, how rad would that be?

Think about it. We could play the whole football season in, like, a weekend tops with less commercials. Instead of watching an extra Peyton Manning commercial, we can watch an extra Bill Belichick scowl. Dude, the players would be in such good shape with less commercials because they wouldn’t have as much breaks. We suppose people would pee their pants because they wouldn’t have less time for bathroom breaks. That’s probably the only thing that would stink about it, but really, I don’t care. I don’t bring my family to games so they can go a stadium bathroom, nor do I bring them to games to sit through commercial breaks. 

If sports still want to have commercials, what if they put screens on the player’s jerseys and just have the commercials play on them while they’re playing? That might be distracting, so what about this, and hear us out: no commercials in sports?

Following a series of intense arguments culminating in a helmet-to-helmet collision, Drew Brees and Devin Bush flipped bodies midway through today’s game.

“This is terrible,” Brees said, realizing he had become Devin Bush. “I hated being a rookie the first time around, and I have to learn all these new names and life lessons again?”

The Bush trapped in Brees’ body expressed frustration while in time out in the locker room.

“Being an old man with quarterbacking responsibilities can’t be that hard. They make all that money, and get to do whatever they want!”

Tensions boiled over the fourth quarter when Bush, still in Brees’ body, lashed out at officials, saying the calls were “unfair” and that “no one ever listens to me,” prompting a heartfelt life lesson from Brees, entombed in Bush’s virile body: “Listen here, young man! Life isn’t always fair. Sometimes, you are the Super Bowl MVP, and sometimes refs cost you an NFC Championship.”

After instigating an encroachment call to hug one another and exchange play calls, both returned to their original bodies with a new perspective on their opponent’s strategies.

Heisman candidate, Jonah Bradberry out of Texas Tech, won’t be able to hack it in the NFL. Despite his record-breaking success with 11,287 passing yards and 79 passing touchdowns this season, Bradberry doesn’t have what it takes to play pro-football.

Why?

Because he can’t throw the ball!

Not in the NFL at least. Yeah, great! Cool throw to that wide-open dude. Guess what? In the NFL less guys are open. That little cornerback standing 5’4” in the Big 12 your receivers go against turn into 6’11”  bad mama-jamya-at-the-line tough guys that will catch more of your passes than your teammates if you actually knew how to throw a football. 

YOU SUCK AT FOOTBALL! 

I hope you enjoyed your free-trip to New York for the Heisman ceremony. You were only there so the clowns that don’t watch the actual game and just look at the box score don’t throw a hissy fit over your precious little statistics.

The NFL announced today that it plans to remove the names from the backs of all player uniforms in order to prevent fans from growing too attached to individual players.

The move, spearheaded by NFL owners, seeks to mitigate the feelings of loss and instability fans usually feel in the wake of a players’ dismissal due to injury, poor performance, or political activism.

“I think it would be in everyone’s best interest if fans start viewing players as objects with no discernible personhood with which they can emotionally connect,” said Patriot’s owner, Robert Kraft, while speaking to reporters. “That way, when dissidents—I mean players—need to be replaced, fans won’t develop separation anxiety.”

NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell, acknowledged it won’t be an easy transition but insisted the positives outweigh the negatives. “Fans will become better adjusted after spending a few years rooting for a team of nameless workhorses rather than individuals with unique backgrounds, dreams, and identities,” said Goodell. “I know that helps me. I haven’t learned a single player’s name in over 30 years.”

Sometimes an athlete gains a bizarre cult following totally unwarranted by their in-game performance. After nearly two decades worth of statistical evidence for Tom Brady, it’s clear that he not only meets these criteria, but he actually, simply, sucks.

Take the 2000 NFL draft. It was here when legendary kicker Sebastian Janikowski went 182 picks ahead of the Golden Boy, and where TB-199 had to hear household kicking names Neil Rackers and Paul Edinger called 30 and 25 picks, respectively, before his own. Do these sound like the draft statistics of someone who doesn’t suck? No, and that’s because Tom Brady, simply, sucks.

Brady has famously thrown touchdowns to 71 distinct receivers, so he must be good at spreading the love around, right? Wrong. It’s widely known Brady has only kept in touch with one or two of these receivers in his personal life. These are the actions of someone who, simply, sucks. Someone named Tom Brady.

Furthermore, Brady has either lost or failed to appear in 47 out of 56 total [possible] Super Bowls, which makes you wonder how this guy has managed to stay in the league for so long? Well, here’s his secret: simply, overcome all obstacles, competitors, and rivals in sucking so bad no one else would ever want him.

During the season premiere of CBS’s Undercover Boss, Head Coach of the Seattle Seahawks, Allen Fisher, was killed after fielding a punt return in the 2nd Quarter. “We really wanted him to just be a punter,” said producer of the show, Bob Rickman, “but he insisted on engulfing himself in the full experience of an NFL player.”

Fisher got off to a rocky start with his teammates for being excessively critical of their technique. ”This man would not shut up about using the proper tackling form, and I’m just like, dude, you just lost 7 teeth trying to tackle someone, man,” said Safety, Eroll Howard. Blocking for Fisher did not seem to be a priority and that was evident when Fisher failed to call for a fair-catch during a punt-return and was mauled to death by a pack of physically-superior humans.

Once the team found out their new dead teammate was actually their coach, the show caught their sorrows before they realized they still needed to finish the game. During post-game, Howard said, “I had no idea that was Coach. Even though he’s dead, I’ll give it to him, he couldn’t move fast but he did have proper form.”

Speaking to reporters, local 17-year-old Samantha Niegarten stated that she was shocked on Saturday afternoon to find the entirety of her father Dan Niegarten’s circle of friends camped out around the so-called ‘Dugout’ section of the town’s local Buffalo Wild Wings.

“I can totally see running into maybe one or two of my dad’s friends in this place, but like, why are they all here?” said Samantha, as seven more of her father’s friends gave her greetings ranging from head nods to full on finger-guns as they shuffled to a table of—at that point—over twenty others. “I mean, do they do this every week?”

Meanwhile, the staff serving Mr. Niegarten’s balding, flannel-shirt-bedecked friend group seemed remarkably unfazed by the fact that they were all in Buffalo Wild Wings together: “When you’re a hard-working man with a wife and kids weighing you down, sometimes a man’s gotta grab his crew and escape to where he can catch all the action in one place, you know?” said bartender Mike Silva, while thirty-eight of Dan’s friends cheered in unison at a Baylor player sinking a three-pointer on the screen behind him. “By the way, is Dan here yet?”

By the time Samantha left, she reported counting over fifty of her father’s friends in attendance, including several work friends whom she had assumed did not hang out with her father in a non-professional setting.

ADDENDUM: Mr. Niegarten did not respond to our request for comment; however, his wife Allison has informed us that she does not believe Dan to be much of a sports fan.

An alarming new Duke University study has found that erectile dysfunction medications do not help its users throw a football through a tire swing, despite what television commercials for these products show.

Researchers tested the efficacy of popular ED drugs like Cialis and Levitra on improving a baby boomer’s ability to toss a football through a tire swing in a simulated backyard at their North Carolina lab.

“Our team constructed a setting that included a green lawn, the distant hum of a lawnmower, and a half-refurbished classic car in the garage,” said lead researcher Dr. Isaac Kogan. “While 60% of men achieved an erection while changing the oil on the 1963 Corvette, we were stunned to find that none of them were able to throw a ball near the tire swing, and 4% went into cardiac arrest.”

While many of the boomers in the study had once played football in their youth, years of sedentary lifestyles left the participants’ once virile throwing arms soft and floppy. 

“No matter how many hours their erections lasted, many men could hardly throw a spiral anymore, let alone get one in the hole,” Dr. Kogan said.

Several related studies support Dr. Kogan’s results. Boston University researchers confirmed ED drugs do not help you drive your golf ball harder or farther, while a Stanford study proved ED medications do not make you capable of rowing a two-person boat.

In the world of sports journalism, there’s no such thing as a guarantee. Like sports, you’ve got to roll with the punches, or you’ll wind up getting knocked out.

That’s exactly what I did last week when I traveled to Cincinnati to interview Zac Taylor, the Bengal’s new head coach. Soon after my plane landed, I learned that the website had made a mistake. Instead of booking the rookie coach, they had scheduled an interview with the owner of a small sports memorabilia store, Zach Taylor, who was under the impression that Sports Riot had flown me all the way to Cincinnati to write a puff piece on his dinky little shop. 

Still in need of a story but aware that it couldn’t be about some unknown autograph peddler, I headed to nearby Turpin High School, where a former Bengals’ defensive back was speaking to students about leadership. It seemed like the perfect story: underprivileged kids getting the chance to meet and learn from a professional athlete. What’s better than that?

When I arrived at the school, the air was thick with excitement. The gymnasium was packed with hundreds of students, many dressed head to toe in Bengal’s apparel. Several students had even painted tiger stripes on their faces, while others had come to school dressed in full tiger costumes. 

A hush came over the crowd as the speaker wearing a faded t-shirt which read, “Bengal’s Training Camp 2002,” approached the stage. Before he reached the microphone, an overeager student yelled out and asked, “Are you Ocho Cinco?” 

“No,” the player responded.

“Do you know Ocho Cinco?” shouted another student.

“Kind of,” replied the former member of the Bengal’s roster.

After deciding I couldn’t bear to spend another second in that room, I left. I don’t consider this experience worthy of being written about, but the company already paid for my plane ticket, so I had to write something. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I wish I’d just interviewed the memorabilia guy, pretended to care, then taken a red-eye flight back home.

Visitors at Levi’s Stadium yesterday were put on high alert when the San Francisco 49ers returned from their Seattle road game and alpha defensive line specimen, referred to by the coaching staff affectionately as “Nick Bosa,” suddenly became aware of his surroundings and attacked his handlers.

“We assumed we had Nick completely domesticated by this point,” said primary Bosa caretaker Kris Kocurek, who noted that Bosa first chose to brutally maul nearest competitive male Chase Young before turning his attention towards the same coaching staff that had fed, bathed, and socialized him for months. “We trained Nick to understand basic visual cues and hand gestures so that he’d stop tackling his own teammates, but we severely underestimated his raw wild savageness.”

Speaking from Kaiser Permanente Santa Clara Hospital, head coach Kyle Shanahan lamented the errors leading to Bosa’s catastrophic rampage.

“There’s no controlling instinct,” Shanahan said, staring wistfully at a picture of him dreaming of what could be. “Nick did exactly what Nick was bred to do, and four nearby cheerleaders and a staff strength and conditioning coach paid the ultimate price for our hubris.”

Bosa escaped the practice facility despite being shot with darts containing over 12 cc of defensive end tranquilizer. While his whereabouts remain unknown, San Francisco residents are warned to avoid eye contact with Bosa at all costs (especially if wearing a Seahawks jersey) if they spot him, as he may view this action as threatening and barbarically sack everyone in the area.